Emotional Hangover

My head hurts, my eyes hurt, I feel withdrawn, slightly manic almost going from a momentary high to back down into the wallowing blah that is. It’s hard having an emotional hangover. They can last for days, up to a week. For some people they get so used to being in that emotional hangover state that it consumes their life and months go by, even years before they really bounce back. I guess I’m lucky. I have a high tolerance because I’ve gone through a lot of unnecessary crap in my life. I guess that make me lucky in some regards, I know it passes, it always does.

The emotional hangover can be caused by a number of things. It doesn’t have to be solely around losing a loved one, or breaking up. It can be not getting the recognition for a job well done after you spent months working on it. It can be not getting thing you’ve been dedicating time and energy into only to be turned down, not given the chance, or just ignored all together. It can be trauma as well like after having a baby, or having a car accident, falling and breaking a bone, it can all cause this feeling. It’s almost like life gets put slightly on hold so that you can reconcile what has happened and then move forward.

Some positive points about an emotional hangover include learning how to look after and love yourself. This is only if you have worked on it. The easy way is to indulge in some escapism with drinking too much, getting high, binging on Netflix, overeating or fantasising about the old glory days. None of this really helps, but it seems to, at least momentarily, and when you are feeling low, anything that makes you feel even a little bit better seems like a great option, at the time.

As I’ve gotten older, and hopefully wiser, I’ve learned that I need to do the opposite of the negative indulgence. I really need to feel the feelings before I can let it pass, and then I focus on me. What really cures the emotional hangover is a whole lot of self love, self nurturing, and self compassion. This includes getting some body work done such as a massage, or acupuncture. There are many other options, but for me, this really helps get everything back in order. I know I need to eat well, as in healthy good foods that make me feel nourished. I normally don’t eat meat, but when I am feeling like I need something extra, I don’t even hesitate getting some salmon or some kind of beef, it just helps everything in that moment. Moving my body is a key upper as well. It can be as simple as taking a walk around the neighbourhood, or doing the stairs more. I also have a sauna at home, so letting my body sweat a bit definitely helps get it all moving which helps me move through the emotional hangover. I also find that if I groom myself, even if it’s a DIY mani/pedi, and a DIY facial and DIY hair mask, it all makes a world of difference. I also make a point of putting on makeup because when I look in the mirror I see a more perky version of myself and it holds space for me to move back into that, even if I don’t feel that way right then.

Sex can be a great aid for the emotional hangover. Orgasms and releasing in that way specifically helps to reduce stress in a major way. This can even be effective without a partner but oh boy it’s so much nicer when it’s with the one you love.

Expressing the feelings or the even what happened in a factual way can be helpful. Writing it out, painting it, speaking it all helps. It can be very harmful to keep it all in, just be sure not to hurt anyone’s feelings when you do share. Also taking responsibility for your own feelings is essential. Working out how to avoid another emotional hangover is also awesome if you can do that too.

Sometimes, in life, you just have to understand that things will go the way they do. Control is often out of your hands, and all you can really do is manage your own self, your own reactions, and seek help if you need it. Use every experience as an opportunity to grow more into who you really are, to learn what you can from it, and move on.

Breaking Point

Why do I seem to always get to the breaking point to finally get help. Why is it that no matter how loudly I ask it doesn’t matter until I am so far into the depths of my own despair that things start to change? Do I not ask for enough? Do I not show that I need help? Do I not say that I need help?

The thing is that I do feel like I say what I mean, and that is the part that is confusing to me a bit. I say I need help, I say very clearly what I need to get out of the situation, but I need help to get there, so I ask. Then when I’m literally breaking down crying, that seems to be the point where change happens. I really would like to have change happen way before that moment, how else can I convey it?

It’s an interesting thing as I am consistently paradoxical in my ways. I am very much an AND person not an OR person. I like to be supportive of others AND I also need support. I eat relatively healthy AND I like a bit of sweets every now and again. I enjoy change AND I crave stability. I am happy for someone else’s career journey AND I want my own career to progress. So perhaps I need to be clearer while still voicing what I need and specifically taking action towards it.

The last part of last week was such a freaking heavy stretch of time for me, full on breaking point, and finally things are starting to change, and I feel emotionally hung over and very very raw. I’m getting there. The emotional hangover is for real though…

Whatever Helps You

Thinking about how some people get right into religion, or astrology, or science, to me it’s all the same. Some choose to make television and media their form of religion, something that they devote their time and attention to. To me, all of this is the same. It’s all something that takes you mind off of things, or helps your mind focus on other things, which in turn help you through your day, and your life. This is totally fine. I really think that we have the luxury of choosing what we spend our time on these days and all in all, it doesn’t really matter what you choose, AS LONG AS it doesn’t harm yourself or others.

When I started learning about astrology, I got right into it. I was in a space where I was broken, and really needed to take my mind off things. In turn, it helped me to understand the human condition much more, which helped me help myself and also helped me to understand others better. I think this is great. I may not follow it as closely as I did before, but it’s exactly what I needed at the time. I needed to focus my attention on something else that interested me so that I could continue healing my body, my mind and my spirit after the head on collision, a la divine intervention.

Not everyone has to go through such a major upheaval and trauma like I did, however, every one has the stuff they need to work through, and I think it’s perfectly alright if they latch on to something that helps them help themselves in the process.

The well of emotion

So I’ve come to realise that every time I experience a really strong emotion, it’s like it activates a deeper well within me that houses that same emotion. I felt this when I was grieving over my father, it was like a wave of all the grief I have ever felt came rushing in, not just for my father.

Most recently, the well of emotion has been about frustration and the feeling of helplessness. I have that feeling about not being able to save the farm and I currently do not have the resources to buy the property to help with everything, and I must accept this, however, the feeling of limitation is so very strong. I noticed that it’s the same helpless feeling I had after having my baby and he was in the NICU. I couldn’t do anything about it, I just had to focus on healing myself, and trust that everything was going to be okay, and I know that it did end up that way as he is 18 months old now and flourishing. It’s that same feeling of limitation that I have felt about not getting my permanent residency after all this time. It’s the same feeling of limitation and frustration of having to be in the hospital prior to bub arriving and having to just surrender to taking medication because I was in so much pain. It’s all the same feeling that things are out of my control and it causes tremendous frustration.

Since I know this is all the same emotion, and I know I am experiencing this emotion, I am not the emotion, but I have the emotion, yet for some reason I still have a hard time rising above it all. My higher self knows that it shall pass and to trust the process, yet my human self has been getting all worked up and now feels rather emotionally raw.

If all emotions spring up from a well that has been created before them, then all emotions likely boil down to just a handful, even though the streams may seem like they are different, they all come from the same source. Now how can I use this information to help myself. Also how can I use this information to help others as well? How can I make it clear that it’s just a pattern, a well of emotions and it’s okay to have them, just realise that I am experiencing them not that I am them.

Husband Appreciation

I swear as soon as my husband is home, we talk and then get on like normal, I feel so much better I cannot even believe. It’s like he helps bring back the balance in my life, especially now with a bub and being at the farm with his elderly parents. It’s like I have my true partner in life back by my side and everything will be alright in the world.

I haven’t ever felt like this before. I don’t have to carry my husband and we both mutually support one another. I am so glad that I found this person to go through this life journey with and experience our lives together. Truly blessed. Truly blessed.

Lottery Dreams

How many people get caught up in the dream of winning the lottery? Millions obviously since so much money is spent on them each day. It’s a slippery track. To think that one fell swoop will solve all the problems.

I honestly don’t think that my life would change that much if I won the lottery. I would just have more to give and my lifestyle would be better, but overall, I am still at the core who I am and that isn’t going to change.

The best way is to keep progressing, to keep working on projects, on life, and not put anything on hold in the hopes of winning the lottery. However, if I just start doing what I want if I did have that amount of money, then my life will transform into that anyway.

So for instance, if I want to have fresh healthy foods, then I will start my own garden. If I want to feel a bit of luxury, I will exchange the soft goods in my house so that they are of a better quality. If I want to feel more sophisticated in my clothes, I can either go out and buy something new, or I can do my best to create a dress myself with fabric that makes me feel good. If I am looking for more time to create, then I need to schedule it and ask someone else to watch bub while I do what I need. If I am looking to give back to others, then I need to create a program to help them, even if I don’t have the money to donate, I can offer a way to help their lives improve. All of this is within my reach. All of it. It’s only that winning the lottery would fast track it.

Also I really need to let go of the idea of buying the farm, it only frustrates me and that does nothing positive for my attitude nor my mental health right now due to the feeling of being so limited. I need to work through this and just accept that it’s not going to happen and move on to continuing with my own life that I have created with my own family.

Internal Storm

Sometimes I get into this funk, where the storm comes, I feel emotional, raw, and slightly bitter. I feel like I am doing what I ought to be doing and for some reason life isn’t going my way. This doesn’t happen all too often but when it does, it really sucks. I feel like right now I may be in that.

So if I were talking to a friend, I would ask them how they are supporting and nurturing themselves when they aren’t feeling supported and nurtured by the universe. I would ask what they are doing to bring joy, are they sleeping enough, are they eating well? Have they found ways to laugh and stop in wonder of nature? Have they talked it out, vented, expressed this in some way so they can move through it? For me personally I have felt the lack of support and over giving from me to others in a big way, and even found a tick on my face this morning, a sure sign from the universe that I am giving more than I am receiving.

If I ask myself all of these things, I realise that i am not sleeping enough, I do not feel supported and I am in need of personal support myself. I need to have some body work, some time alone to nurture my creativity. I need to have some time by my self, alone to just be in my own energy. I need to find ways to laugh, by watching a comedy, or listening to stand up. I need to focus on the positive of my situation and really reach for the appreciation and gratitude of what is going on right now in my life. These are all things I need to do to restore my own personal balance. I need help and support to do these, so I must ask for that help. When I feel depleted, it doesn’t help anyone.

So by focusing on these things, I know it will create a change in my attitude, and I will return to my natural sunny disposition. This is my goal. This will be my way.

Reimagining the Immediate Future

So I want to live in the Northern Rivers. I do not want to live at the farm. I do not want to be stretched so thin trying to make everything work because it doesn’t work. I want to have some land so I can have a garden and grow fresh vegetables for my family. I want to teach Abraham about the beauty of nature this way. I want to have a small orchard of fruit trees that produce different fruits in different seasons so we always have fresh fruit available for us to eat and share with others. I want to have space so that we can have enough room to entertain people, so that our house is the house the everyone comes to. I would love it if we had a swimming pool, and a large covered outdoor area. I would love it we had a really nice spacious kitchen and a spacious lounge and entertaining area. I would love to incorporate indoor outdoor living with wide glass panelled doors that open up letting all the fresh air in. I would love a house where everything works and is well kept. I would love to have my own studio at this place so i could retreat when I wanted or needed to create in my own energy, in my own space. I would love it if I created a lot of something that other people found value in and gave me money for, allowing me to stay at home and be around for bub, while bringing in money. I would love it if my husband also had the flexibility to stay at home to work and not have to be away 5 days a week, only seeing our child a couple of hours a day at most. I would love it if we had a little granny flat with a couple of rooms, one for a woofer to maintain the gardens and house, and the other room for an au pair to help look after bub. I would love this kind of arrangement. I would love to have the feeling and know that we had enough money to afford this lifestyle. I would love to have to have the flexility to live a life where I get to choose how and when and where I live it. I would love the feeling of a resort lifestyle at my own home, here in Australia with my family. This is what I want. This is what I want in the immediate future.

The contrast of living in Western Sydney has been enough for me to unequivocally understand that it is not the place for me to be. It is not the place where I belong, and consequentially, not the place where my family belongs. It is clear to me that I do not want my child who is now walking, to grow up there. It is clear to me that I want his earliest memories to be in a rural location with fresh air and a connection to nature. It is clear to me that safety is so highly important to me. It is clear to me that being in nature and being surrounded more more nature than people certainly brings joy and peace to my soul. It is certain to me that I flourish in places where I feel more joy and peace than I do in places where I don’t feel safe, where the air is bad, and there are people everywhere around.

Yes and thank you.

Not Meant as a Single Parent

Seriously I am not meant to be a single parent. Specifically, I am certainly not meant to be a person who has to solely look after another person who is dependent upon them. It is too much. Add to that the additional tasks of looking after elderly people and I am at a breaking point. I literally broke down in tears as I just couldn’t do any more. There’s a thing where I can hold it all together to a point. Then it will be something minor that is the straw that breaks the camels back. Today it was the criticism of too much salt in the meals I have been making after I was some how given the task of being the meal creator for everyone else along with myself and my little person. I am stretched too thin as it is. Not having family support due to geographic location and the rest of the family not being so family oriented, leaves the whole raising of the child to the parents. Then when one parent is away, it’s just that one person. Then to add more to that workload, it’s too much. Too much.

Also people forget what it’s like to have their first child. They also forget what it’s like to have only one child. It’s a big freaking deal. No one else occupies their time, no one else plays with them, it’s all left to me. It’s all, every thing, left to me. We have had a demi pair in the past and that has helped to alleviate that, but at the farm that isn’t the case. Everyone is so stretched here, and that is just the way of land, but now, for me at this stage of my life, it’s more than I can handle.

Exhale. This is me venting. It’s okay. It’s all okay. I’m also so frustrated that I can’t fix the issues here, I don’t have the money right now to afford a million dollar property to help everyone out. I don’t have the means and it’s so frustrating. I feel like it’s all slipping away and I’m too taxed personally to do anything about it. Also being at the beginning stages of making a family it’s at odds with being at the beginning stages of building a grand fortune. I chose to have a baby with intention. I chose to have a baby so that I can experience this, so that I am there with the child. I don’t want to give that experience away to someone else, that isn’t what I want in my life. The solution isn’t just to send the baby to daycare so that I can work a full time job and bring in income and then see my baby for maximum 3 hours of wake time a day. It’s fucking bullshit. I am not doing that, I am not doing it that way and it makes me feel so frustrated that I can’t seem to find another way. Sure getting another demi pair will help. that will alleviate some time, but for christ sakes, when I don’t have the money to pay the freaking person, then i get someone who isn’t really qualified and I don’t trust them. So I have to be on hand, with my ear out all the time anyway. I don’t know how to win at this right now without having the financial resources.

This post isn’t really about being a single parent, it’s really about being frustrated with the limitations in my life, the lack of income, and the additional load of looking after others. That’s what it’s about. It’s that I feel this life is out of our reach. It’s that I need to just let go of the idea of buying the farm because it’s not going to happen. How on earth would I magically get 1 million dollars and then how would I then have money to do anything with that land after that? It’s too much and I can’t do it.

My husband is away at the moment and looking after bub full time all day every day and night, when he is not sleeping, is really wearing on me. I need help and if I do have another person in looking after bub, i want them to be an actual au pair, and one that I don’t then also have to clean up after, because that’s bullshit too, exchanging looking after one person to then look after another. This doesn’t make sense.

Additional thought after venting and 15 minutes:

Now that I’ve had a moment, the thing is that the farm needs help. They need help to maintain the farm, to maintain the egg business, to maintain the processing business, and to maintain the animals. On top of that my husband’s parents also need help. They need help by someone cleaning up the house. They need help by someone cooking meals. They need help for my mother in law who will likely have to have a heart operation. They need help to look after my father in law who has parkinson’s. They need help anyway because they are in their 80s. I also need help as I have a small child and that seems so minor when looking at everything else here that needs help, but I need help too. I need to realise that the farm is not mine to fix. It is my mother in laws, and she always says that it is a family company so it’s everyone’s even though no one else seems to really care other than my husband and I. It’s not enough. I am not the superhero and I need to understand that my position in life right now is as a mother to a toddler and as a wife to a husband who works non-stop. This is what it is. This is where we are, this is where I am, and somehow I just need to accept this so i don’t get into these big emotional meltdowns about it all. I am too attached to it and without help myself I certainly cannot help the rest.

I guess selling the farm is the right move. Then my parents in law can afford the help they need. They can stop doing the egg business and just focus on this small property. They can have a single woofer to help them maintain the yards and garden, and then it’s done. Maybe it really is for the best. Sure the person who buys the rest of the land may very well build their new house directly in front of this house, and that would be there right and then the view would be lost, and in turn this last part of the land would lose its’ value, and you know what, that would suck, but it would have to be fine too. Sure the person who buys the land might protest about having a chicken farm next to them, and it would be there right, and all of the money we have put into it would be for naught, and that would suck, but it would have to be fine too. Maybe all of this has to be let go after all.

Sleep

It is amazing how sleep affects my life. It is more so an issue when I don’t get enough sleep. Having a baby is almost a contract to say that you vow to not get enough sleep for the rest of your life. At least, that is how having a baby has effected my sleeping patterns. If I am sleep deprived, I am more emotional, moody, I eat and drink more than I normally would, and I really struggle. I can certainly make it through, but it’s not my best, and it doesn’t feel good at all to scrape by like that.

My baby decided that 4am was the right time to wake up after a night of being up and down every hour or so since a short while after he went to bed. That’s a big deal. It was like this when he was a little baby and there was a point where my husband and I took shifts to so the other could sleep. So now when he’s 18 months old and a night comes like that, albeit it’s not as often as it was when he was brand new, it still carries such a weight with it. That weight is felt in my eyelids the next day, and even this evening as I type this out. That weight is felt in my body as I eat another burrito, and another tea. That weight is felt in my gaze as I drive, and it’s felt with every step when I heave him up to hold him on my hip.

It’s a big deal feeling slightly like a heavy zombie who has a dependent who cannot speak words and only demands via grunts and loud cries. You see, the baby is also sleep deprived. He also had a bad night. The poor guy. The situation with teeth coming in is rough. Almost any new growing pain that comes along can be really challenging for the little guy. Most of the time I realise this, but when I am also really tired, it definitely tries me.

I had to step outside with him at 430a into the starry autumn early morning just to jolt a change that would be different from crying inside holding him because nothing else I was doing was working. It did work, it helped us both actually. Isn’t the night sky amazing? I mean really, its so vast, so peaceful, so humbling. It’s hard not be taken aback a bit and feel that sense of awe and wonder, especially so when in the countryside where the sky is so clear and every star seems to be in it’s sparkling brilliance.

Sleep. I love you. Baby I love you. Now let’s have the things I love, love each other, please 🙂 Thank you. I promise I’ll be better tomorrow.

 

 

Sleep