So Glad I Got Out of There

I look back at all of the unnecessary immature drama that happens where I’m from and it makes me so grateful that I had the sense to get up and leave. I always knew I was different and thankfully that was a driving force.

For some reason I’ve been getting the Hanford Sentinel emailed to me, and I know I did not give them my email address, and I live on the other side of the world, so there are a lot of questions. I’ve been casually reading it when it comes in and it’s violence this, drugs that, homelessness this, down and out lives that. Its heavy. It’s where I’m from and my family still lives there. How do they do it? Do they just become immune to the way that life is there? Is that why people stay where they are? They are comfortable? Are they comfortable? Is feeling unsafe a status quo? I’m so glad that I went against the grain.


Embarrassed that I don’t know the place where I live

A friend is coming to visit, just a short world wind tour of the city I now live in. I feel embarrassed that I have lived here for over a year and hardly know it. Why do I feel embarrassed? Because it shows I don’t get out much to know? Why is that a problem? Because I am not enjoying what the city has to offer. Why is that a problem? The whole purpose of living in a city is to take advantage of it’s resources, so I feel like I have not been fully living here in a full expression. Plus we live in the suburbs, away from the action of the city itself. I don’t like living in the suburbs aside from other mums and bubs that I get to spend time with who also have a little baby and a new family. I am not much of a shopper and when it comes to artistic creations in the suburbs its usually a bit dry for my taste, if there even is such a thing. Regardless the issue is that I don’t know the city I am living in well enough to be a tour guide for someone. I don’t know it even first hand enough to actually share it and that makes me feel a bit stressed and embarrassed. Let go? Yes. Let Go. Let Go. Let go.

My Baby’s Smile

No matter what kind of mood I am in, when my baby flashes his big smile at me, it makes me so happy. He is pure emotion, he allows everything to come out and I love to experience his joy!

Imagine being so transparent all the time as an adult with baby like innocence and vulnerability. How wild would that be if we shed off the years and years of programming of our social norms and customs. If all of a sudden we all just expressed how we felt when we let it in a pure and honest way? How nice would that be? Perhaps it would circumvent building up and blowing up at people, usually innocent bystanders.

Who knows, I guess this game can be played for ever until a utopian society or total destruction occurs. However, for now, I will just try to stay present in the moment and enjoy my baby’s sweet smile and all the joy that it brings.

He truly is a blessing and his smile and laughter is just icing on the proverbial cake.

My Dad is No Longer Physical

I’m okay most of the time, but then I’ll be hit with this big emotional wave of sadness that my father is no longer alive, here in this physical world. It’s like I’m looking at the shoreline with my feet just in the water and then I’m pummelled by a huge wave and I get whirled around in the sand and have to make it back up again. It makes me so sad and I start to cry and all I can do is think of his big smile, his all encompassing hug, and his natural charisma. I think of the way he would kiss my forehead and tell me he loved me. I think of the times when he would choke up and even shed a tear when i would be leaving home back to Yosemite, or the Grand Canyon, or Brazil, or Australia. I feel like I was always leaving. I had to though.

My emotional heart feels so heavy, and my throat feels all blocked. I have tears streaming down my face as I type this. I feel such despair. I can’t call him on the phone and just talk to him anymore. I can write him letters and post them but he’ll never actually read them. This feels makes me feel so sad. 60 is so young. I’ve only just started my own family. I want to have him there so I can talk to him and grow in this way with him, as me a mother and him a grandfather to my son. I cannot help but think of all the things we cannot do together, all the memories that we can no longer make together, they have all come to an end.

Now he lives just in my minds eye, in my heart, in my body, in my cells, he lives within me.

Free Writing

I’ve been doing this meditation every night and allowing it to absorb into my subconscious as I go to sleep. It’s all about grace and cultivating gratitude. It’s really beautiful and I’m so appreciative that I am doing it. We are on Day 7 with Day 8 coming in later today since I live in Australia. It is set up in the way where the good stuff is given away fro free so that you want to do more. It’s brilliant and I am happy to be taking the ride of the “free” experience. It’s by Oprah and Deepak Chopra, funny that their names rhyme, Oprah and Chopra, haha. I am sure that is divinely planned.

As I type again my baby is here in the home office and he is squealing with delight. It’s within the 5am hour and he just lights up in the morning. I look at him and he smiles and squeals. His sweet little dimple indents and his brightness just beams out with his smiling self. He is so gorgeous. He watches his hands and takes them in with such curiosity and wonder. It’s really a gift to witness and enjoy this sweet baby. I am so thankful to have my baby, baby A.

My body is getting tired though, he is getting heavier and heavier and still requires lots of cuddles and hands on love. That coupled with sleep in only stints of 2 or 3 hours starts to take a toll. He’s been teething, and it hurts him, 2 new teeth at a time it must be hard for him.

I painted yesterday, I felt inspired and started going and it felt so good. i finished a piece that is vibrant and full of life with bright reds, orange, blues and a bright yellow. Feel the light. This is where I really am. In the brightness, in the light, in the beauty of life. Ahhhh that feels very good.

Make each week count is written on a big reminder note on the mirror here in the office. Make each week count. There are only so many, there is only so much time in our lives, in my life. It is such a finite gift and I really am shifting the way that I use my time so that I feel great about it, cultivating a sense of gratitude, steering towards joy and expanding it, smiling, creating, living, loving. It feels good. It’s a conscious effort right now, but I know with consistent practice, it will become my natural pattern yet again. I assume that was my natural pattern as a baby like mine, and I am happy to incorporate that back into my regular life.

Free Writing

Mixed feelings. Wanting someone to be their best but also demanding that space is given to me to also be my best. It’s an interesting balance, and most of the time it works out. There are a few times when it doesn’t and then I feel like I have to step in and rebalance the situation. Even when done in a nice way there is a lingering thought of was that appropriate, did I do that with enough compassion? I cannot look back now as it is done, but it’s interesting when not just feeling the joy but the conflict as well. I know it’s not personal, As Don Miguel Ruiz says in his Four Agreements, nothing is personal, so never take it that way and I agree. Everyone comes from a different background, living a different day, usually dealing with things that we cannot see at first or even third glance.

My baby is laying on the floor as I type this, he is playing under his play gym with monkeys hanging down and a circus like ball that jingles in his hand as he pulls his feet to his face and looks over at me and squeals. He is so precious. Having Baby A brings so many good things into my life and I’d much rather focus on those good things than not, to find the good feeling in any given moment and go there, and expand it as much as possible!

It’s first thing int he morning here, and I’ve had a warm glass of lemon water and a piece of toast, a warm rooibos & vanilla mixed with Madura English Breakfast tea is brewing in a white ceramic cup with a red interior on my desk. Its winter here in Australia. I can see the dawn starting and the sky looks purple and pink outside, it looks cold. My husband is still sleeping, he mostly tended to baby in the night when he woke up for a feed. it seems to be our routine, I get up with him when he wakes around 5am and my husband does most of the night duty, which usually involves once or twice needing to feed or change baby’s nappy. It works. We haven’t really gotten full sleep in so long, I actually don’t know what an uninterrupted night’s sleep is like. Even when I have the opportunity to take it, I still seem to wake up and look around, or use the toilet, or in general sleep lightly. One of the many changes that have happened in my life since having Baby A.

I’ve been reading a book by Anodea Judity called Wheels of Life lately. It about the chakra system and is very in-depth. I sought out the recommendation from a friend I know from Vipassana who is doing EKG meditation brainwave work in Tulum, Mexico at the moment. It’s powerful. Something that has really stood out has been how the energy rising from the ground up culminates in illumines divinity and divine connection. However, the opposite where the energy starts up there and becomes more and more limited as it comes down is the only way to truly manifest what you want and truly desire, manifesting by limitation. This concept has been blowing my mind and I think it’s pretty spot on. For the same reason that perfection paralysis happens when you are undertaking a new project if you haven’t already specified your goals and outlined how it would work, or the same for having too many options in the supermarket and it’s becomes so overwhelming you either just choose randomly in the end, or opt to not get it at all!

We have a couple of friends who have been staying the weekend with us which has been really great. They are our closest friends and we haven’t spent this much time with them ever, so its nice to do the ebb and flow with them. He was talking last night about creating art and specifically painting and how you have to limit to which colour palette you need in order to really get in and paint. He talked about the process of mixing colours and really preparing before actually creating. I immediately related it to this concept of Judith’s, where it’s necessary to limit in order to fully express. It feels so contradictory! But at the same time it feels like it must be this way!

I’ve kept journals off and on since I was about 18, and I’m now much older than that today. I remember when I was first writing, and for a number of years actually, I would censor because my partner at the time, I knew was reading them. So I would limit myself, this is not the same as limiting for manifestation, this is censoring what really needs to come out due to fear of someone else knowing what I am really thinking and feeling. I’d like to think that I have moved past that these days, but I daresay that sometimes, it may still happen on occasion, censorship based on company. I know it’s less and less, and I am sure as I continue to progress it will not be something I do at all and just freely express as I am. Censorship kills the creative spirit. That’s a bold statement, but it does. Censorship in general, limitation in general isn’t healthy. It then creates patterns of fear all through one’s life which don’t serve them well.

All of life and how we operate are just in patterns. All of us. All of everything. We are like roots of a tree, like streams branching off of a main river, we are like the veins in our own bodies. Patterns, patterns, patterns, that all connect.


Daddy and Baby Love

I am absolutely filled with this expansive, light yet very tangible love in my heart when I witness my husband and our baby together sharing moments. Having Baby A has certainly brought up this amazingly soft and tender side of my husband and it absolutely warms my soul. They cuddle together in bed or on the couch, Baby A sits on my husbands lap while he is working on the computer and Baby A taps at the keyboard that is designated to him, it really is the cutest thing to see a 9 month old going at it like he’s typing! I get to see him hold Baby A tight and with so much care when we are walking around, or when he’s putting him into his carseat, or even when we are walking around while he’s in the pram. There is this amazing connection between them and I feel so privileged to be able to see it. I love that I get to witness this evolution of love. It is the sweetest thing.

Creating a Tribe

Feeling connected is one thing that I know is essential in my life, and I am sure for almost all human beings. When I consciously connect and create community around me, I end up not just collecting people together, but creating a full on tribe. I’ve entered tribes in the past, I’ve helped form them, and currently my Sydney tribe is just so lovely full of mums and bubs where we all have each other’s backs and it feels great.

Feeling like I belong is highly important to my well being. I never fully fit in, hence why I usually end up forging my own groups, but sometimes it so nice to just be around others without actually doing anything with them.

For instance, studying with someone else nearby who is also studying, makes the process so much easier. Working on a project when someone else is also working on it, makes my focus much stronger. Recently I put a call out to the Lovely Ladies with Beautiful Babies asking if anyone just wanted to sit and watch me do the mundane task of organising my closet while our bubs played. I sent out the request on our group page the night before, and by the next afternoon I had a third of them rock up at my house in support! I love that, it made me feel so good, so supported, my tribe totally showed up!

Sharing Joy

Sharing of Joy is so important.

By acknowledging it, feeling it, and then sharing it, it becomes so much bigger, so much greater than it was initially. Or perhaps it grows to the size that it was already intended, which happens when given the chance.

It’s like a shiny air balloon where once it’s filled its brilliant and floats in the air catching everyone’s eye!


Crumby Butter

That moment when you realise that for as much bitching as you have done in the past about people leaving crumbs in the butter after buttering their morning toast, and you see yourself double dip in the butter with your crumby knife. Yes, that’s me this morning! Then I discreetly tried to fish out every crumb with my double dipped crumby toast butter knife to cover my tracks!