Life is All about the People
That bridge us together
That help us to see ourselves
That help us to grow.
It’s a blessing when you find the people whom you resonate most. It’s a gift and should be taken as so, with gratitude.
As many times as I’ve stood in front of amazing natural beauty, it is when I am with another person that it really feels full. I can experience so much on my own, and it’s been essential for me in my journey. However, the blessing of partnerships along the way have made it so special.
8 Hours A Day
The only time I get
to share meals
with my darling son.
He is 16 months old.
more or less
16 hours in a 24 hour period.
With the thought of doing a job outside of the home, it’s almost like the decision has been made, almost in the same way that you know the answer before the coin drops and you find out if it’s heads or tails. I do not want to be away from my baby for 7 hours a day 4 days a week. I don’t want to see him in the morning and then not again until it’s dinner time then bath and bedtime. Just thinking about that makes my stomach turn. I chose to have Baby A. I had NO idea how much I would change in all of this, but I am not willing to sacrifice my time with him, for a pocketful of dimes. I know that we are tight financially, so I will find another way to help bring in cashflow. A way that has me still here within reach for anything that my baby needs.
In the last two weeks we have gotten an au pair and life has already felt so much easier in comparison. I really do a lot in my days to keep my baby and myself happy and healthy. I do a lot to help keep my husband happy and healthy. I do a lot to keep our house and our home environment happy, healthy, and clean. It’s not that I am sitting idle. Far from it. I do have some down time, and it does seem to pass by very quickly while he naps, but I need that down time.
I am just not ready. I don’t think he is either. We have the opportunity for it not to happen and I will find another way.
Recently I applied for a job and quite honestly it was like a breath of fresh air. It didn’t feel daunting or like I needed to have a million different and diverse skills that I didn’t have in order to get it. Granted I am way overqualified for it, it still felt so good. I didn’t have any pressure on myself about it and just did it all with such ease. I applied and it was easy. My cover letter was so straightforward about who I am and what I can offer. My additional correspondence for their extra questions was heart felt and totally honest. The phone call with the two brothers who started the music school, flowed easily and felt good.
How nice it is to feel like I am the top candidate and it’s pretty much up to me if I am able to work full time and then I’ll get the job. The thing is that I don’t want to work full time away from home, away from my baby. He’s almost 16 months old and I don’t want to sacrifice what may be a short term boost and have a negative impact long term. What I really want is something truly part time where I work on it no more than 3 days a week and still get paid for a regular work week. I must have that kind of flexibility in my life to make sure that I am taking care of my emotional responsibilities and I hold that in higher esteem now than ever before.
Ideally a job in the creative arts where I am in a team and I help make a difference where we all succeed and move up, and I’m paid handsomely, that would get me going for sure. Alternatively a job where I have a dedicated team of people who I work so well with, whom I am able to really make great strides moving forward in my own business and bring in way more cash flow than if I just worked for someone else, I would take that too. Either way, it has to be part time at this stage of my life, while my husband works full time, five days a week, and I cannot compromise on this.
With all that said, it really does feel nice to have such an instant rapport and to be accepted so readily. All businesses should have processes like this in place. By creating such an honest and very branded way of communicating, it sets the tone and the culture up so nicely.
Heaviness upon my chest
heaviness upon my heart
worry in my head
change is coming.
This feeling is familiar
it comes every time
just before the door opens
the door that I’ve been wanting
it’s all as I have scripted
I feel the weight of my world.
Is this how the caterpillar feels?
Is this how the fetus feels?
That feeling of being in the tunnel
seeing the small light
knowing it will only get bigger
and envelope me
changing my perspective
changing how I operate
changing how I see the world
changing how I interact.
That heavy feeling is with me.
The Au Pair starts tomorrow.
Baby is coming up to 16 months.
A huge adjustment for me
no longer the 2 hours a day I get to myself
to eat, shower, and clean up
I will not cling to this old way of being
it is time for me to emerge into the next stage
of who I am
of who I will be
of who I am evolving into.
Until then I sit with this heaviness
and thank it
for I know