Am I sharing too much of me?
Is that even a possibility?
I just want to be free
when life is filled with such uncertainty
I say it as I feel it
I’m always connected but I just never fit
I know I’m not the only one not engendered from a kit
like one of Nana’s uneven perfect stitches
that all come together with that common thread
turning patches into one big bedspread…
I put it out there
no other release can compare
I’m not always fair
but I always care.
Don’t bare too much soul
a kind of messenger said to me in a dream
you can’t take it back its not what it seems
then all of the sudden a night sky
turns into a ceiling full of beams.
but it is just me – I must remind –
the same yet different girl still confused by time
who enjoys writing thoughts in a rhyme
which makes her happy and feel quite fine…
I really want to know what things are about. I want to know what love is about. I want to know what life is about. I want to know where I fit into the bigger picture. I want to know about spirituality. I want to learn as much as I can about everything that peaks my interest. I want it all.
Can I have it all? I am not sure, but I am sure trying. That is all I can do. I don’t know much about love but I am sure trying to figure it out. I don’t know much about life, but I am sure doing my best to live. I don’t know where I really fit in, but I am trying out different situations to find folks that are more like me than not. I don’t know much about spirituality, but I try to listen to my inner voice as often as I can. I know a little bit about a lot of things so far, but every time something new interests me I try to take the time to learn more than I know now.
I want it all… love, life, happiness, health, light and knowledge. I want to experience everything that I possibly can. I want to know about me in this process. I want to know about others in this process. I want to know. I just don’t know much yet. In fact, sometimes I think I don’t know anything at all. But I do know one thing… I can certainly say that I have been doing my best to find what I am looking for. I just wish sometimes it were easier to know exactly what it is that I am looking for.
I remember back when I was a freshman in high school, some 14 years ago now, talking to a guy friend telling him that I wished everyone were blind. I wished that we were forced to only look into each others hearts to make decisions on who we chose around us. That we would choose only the highest quality people for who they were on the inside not how they appeared to be on the outside.
My first music festival in 2005, Vegoose, was a turning point in my life. I went originally to see Jack Johnson whom I had been listening for a few years, but had no idea what to expect. It was a brilliant mix of artists, some who I had heard of before, but most that I had not. I liked the beat and the feel of the festival and that scene so much that I really started to get into it. I didn’t really know what it all meant, but I was loving it.
Sometime in 2006 I remember a friend posing a question to me… If I had the choice to be blind or deaf, which would I choose? I immediately said that I would choose to be blind, thinking back of my youthful wish. I was still so much into music and moving my body to the beat that I couldn’t imagine not being able to experience it. Along with that, if I were blind then I would be forced to solely rely on my intuition to lead me in the right direction.
Then came a huge physical turn in my life… I moved to Brazil. I heard people all the time singing along to songs and not knowing the words and I realized that I also, didn’t really know either. I began on a personal mission to look up lyrics of my favorite songs. This has been so revealing. I didn’t know the lyrics and I certainly didn’t know the meaning of the words that my favorite artists sang. This lead me to start looking up the artists themselves. It inspired me to learn about history so that I could understand the climate of the world and the US at the time the artist grew up and when they wrote the lyrics. I wanted to know why they chose the words that they chose to sing about. I wanted to know why they chose to sing about those topics. I didn’t understand, but I really wanted to so I just started to try. I was blind in another way, for so long.
I still don’t know if I really see, but I am beginning to and that makes me feel good. I can only try to do my best in any given circumstance while striving for truth and honesty in every situation.
Have we become so picture oriented nowadays because we are in such a rush to experience things that we actually rush right thought the scene? Not taking the time to fully take in whats around us? How we got there? Who is around us? Why it’s them around us? In turn never stopping fully to enjoy the moment to create a memory in our mind’s eye which is more valuable than any picture?