Free Writing

Mixed feelings. Wanting someone to be their best but also demanding that space is given to me to also be my best. It’s an interesting balance, and most of the time it works out. There are a few times when it doesn’t and then I feel like I have to step in and rebalance the situation. Even when done in a nice way there is a lingering thought of was that appropriate, did I do that with enough compassion? I cannot look back now as it is done, but it’s interesting when not just feeling the joy but the conflict as well. I know it’s not personal, As Don Miguel Ruiz says in his Four Agreements, nothing is personal, so never take it that way and I agree. Everyone comes from a different background, living a different day, usually dealing with things that we cannot see at first or even third glance.

My baby is laying on the floor as I type this, he is playing under his play gym with monkeys hanging down and a circus like ball that jingles in his hand as he pulls his feet to his face and looks over at me and squeals. He is so precious. Having Baby A brings so many good things into my life and I’d much rather focus on those good things than not, to find the good feeling in any given moment and go there, and expand it as much as possible!

It’s first thing int he morning here, and I’ve had a warm glass of lemon water and a piece of toast, a warm rooibos & vanilla mixed with Madura English Breakfast tea is brewing in a white ceramic cup with a red interior on my desk. Its winter here in Australia. I can see the dawn starting and the sky looks purple and pink outside, it looks cold. My husband is still sleeping, he mostly tended to baby in the night when he woke up for a feed. it seems to be our routine, I get up with him when he wakes around 5am and my husband does most of the night duty, which usually involves once or twice needing to feed or change baby’s nappy. It works. We haven’t really gotten full sleep in so long, I actually don’t know what an uninterrupted night’s sleep is like. Even when I have the opportunity to take it, I still seem to wake up and look around, or use the toilet, or in general sleep lightly. One of the many changes that have happened in my life since having Baby A.

I’ve been reading a book by Anodea Judity called Wheels of Life lately. It about the chakra system and is very in-depth. I sought out the recommendation from a friend I know from Vipassana who is doing EKG meditation brainwave work in Tulum, Mexico at the moment. It’s powerful. Something that has really stood out has been how the energy rising from the ground up culminates in illumines divinity and divine connection. However, the opposite where the energy starts up there and becomes more and more limited as it comes down is the only way to truly manifest what you want and truly desire, manifesting by limitation. This concept has been blowing my mind and I think it’s pretty spot on. For the same reason that perfection paralysis happens when you are undertaking a new project if you haven’t already specified your goals and outlined how it would work, or the same for having too many options in the supermarket and it’s becomes so overwhelming you either just choose randomly in the end, or opt to not get it at all!

We have a couple of friends who have been staying the weekend with us which has been really great. They are our closest friends and we haven’t spent this much time with them ever, so its nice to do the ebb and flow with them. He was talking last night about creating art and specifically painting and how you have to limit to which colour palette you need in order to really get in and paint. He talked about the process of mixing colours and really preparing before actually creating. I immediately related it to this concept of Judith’s, where it’s necessary to limit in order to fully express. It feels so contradictory! But at the same time it feels like it must be this way!

I’ve kept journals off and on since I was about 18, and I’m now much older than that today. I remember when I was first writing, and for a number of years actually, I would censor because my partner at the time, I knew was reading them. So I would limit myself, this is not the same as limiting for manifestation, this is censoring what really needs to come out due to fear of someone else knowing what I am really thinking and feeling. I’d like to think that I have moved past that these days, but I daresay that sometimes, it may still happen on occasion, censorship based on company. I know it’s less and less, and I am sure as I continue to progress it will not be something I do at all and just freely express as I am. Censorship kills the creative spirit. That’s a bold statement, but it does. Censorship in general, limitation in general isn’t healthy. It then creates patterns of fear all through one’s life which don’t serve them well.

All of life and how we operate are just in patterns. All of us. All of everything. We are like roots of a tree, like streams branching off of a main river, we are like the veins in our own bodies. Patterns, patterns, patterns, that all connect.