My Dad is No Longer Physical

I’m okay most of the time, but then I’ll be hit with this big emotional wave of sadness that my father is no longer alive, here in this physical world. It’s like I’m looking at the shoreline with my feet just in the water and then I’m pummelled by a huge wave and I get whirled around in the sand and have to make it back up again. It makes me so sad and I start to cry and all I can do is think of his big smile, his all encompassing hug, and his natural charisma. I think of the way he would kiss my forehead and tell me he loved me. I think of the times when he would choke up and even shed a tear when i would be leaving home back to Yosemite, or the Grand Canyon, or Brazil, or Australia. I feel like I was always leaving. I had to though.

My emotional heart feels so heavy, and my throat feels all blocked. I have tears streaming down my face as I type this. I feel such despair. I can’t call him on the phone and just talk to him anymore. I can write him letters and post them but he’ll never actually read them. This feels makes me feel so sad. 60 is so young. I’ve only just started my own family. I want to have him there so I can talk to him and grow in this way with him, as me a mother and him a grandfather to my son. I cannot help but think of all the things we cannot do together, all the memories that we can no longer make together, they have all come to an end.

Now he lives just in my minds eye, in my heart, in my body, in my cells, he lives within me.