Sad Happy

So many emotions running through at the same time. Playing with bub, he’s laughing, I’m laughing and this sadness creeps in. How can I be both happy and sad at the same time? My father is dying of cancer very quickly. I was only there with him back in the states just a few days ago. It all feels like a very strange dream and I am not sure how to reconcile it.

I don’t like that I was there for that reason, to be with my dad as he learned for sure that he had cancer. I did like spending time with my family as it has been so very long since I’ve seen them face to face, or laughed out loud with them on the couch, or shared an iced coffee or just sat quietly together. It feels like a dream that I was just in the hot summer of California’s central valley with all the dust and dirt flying around admist their major drought.

Thoughts in the Central Valley

to come from a space of love

is at times a hurdle to overcome

when i see the puppet-show

unfolding around me

i get fired up

not always with a smile upon my face

its hard to do in this marketed retail space

but i’m aware of that line

that quintessential line thats drawn

in the sand

all around

even between my brows

a confusion created

upon the clashing

of the left and right brain

of what should be and what is

i can see both or so i think…

so i think….

so i think…

when i let it all go

happiness and love emcompass all

above and below

in all elements and the ether that surrounds

thats not when i reside in the valley

the valley lends to a frown

a hurt back and bore-down shoulders

when i retreat up into the mountains

i cant help but rejoice

to open my hopeful eyes

to take deep breaths

slowing down time

however, my family’s roots

are of hard work under the sun

in the expansive valley

of the desert turned farm land

of california’s san joaquin…

where education is all a charade

i guess its like this everywhere

in some form, regarding whats in fashion

but especially here in the thick

grey polluted air

coming from the conglomerate

of los angeles… the city of angels?

that polluted air is breathed

in shallow breaths

by the plants, by the residents

held in a cloud

between the surrounding mountains

the only way i know how to change this

perspective that i see in this place

is by moving away

by gaining a different view

one with a birds eye

with occasional short visits

while holding my breath

being sure not to stay too long

as suffocation seems to come along

not to worry i’ll still have some breath

just enough to escape a physical death

giving giving giving

until there’s almost nothing left

i love my family, this is true

but its not enough

to convince me that here

is where i should move