Thoughts in the Central Valley

to come from a space of love

is at times a hurdle to overcome

when i see the puppet-show

unfolding around me

i get fired up

not always with a smile upon my face

its hard to do in this marketed retail space

but i’m aware of that line

that quintessential line thats drawn

in the sand

all around

even between my brows

a confusion created

upon the clashing

of the left and right brain

of what should be and what is

i can see both or so i think…

so i think….

so i think…

when i let it all go

happiness and love emcompass all

above and below

in all elements and the ether that surrounds

thats not when i reside in the valley

the valley lends to a frown

a hurt back and bore-down shoulders

when i retreat up into the mountains

i cant help but rejoice

to open my hopeful eyes

to take deep breaths

slowing down time

however, my family’s roots

are of hard work under the sun

in the expansive valley

of the desert turned farm land

of california’s san joaquin…

where education is all a charade

i guess its like this everywhere

in some form, regarding whats in fashion

but especially here in the thick

grey polluted air

coming from the conglomerate

of los angeles… the city of angels?

that polluted air is breathed

in shallow breaths

by the plants, by the residents

held in a cloud

between the surrounding mountains

the only way i know how to change this

perspective that i see in this place

is by moving away

by gaining a different view

one with a birds eye

with occasional short visits

while holding my breath

being sure not to stay too long

as suffocation seems to come along

not to worry i’ll still have some breath

just enough to escape a physical death

giving giving giving

until there’s almost nothing left

i love my family, this is true

but its not enough

to convince me that here

is where i should move

Back in the USA!

The last couple of weeks have been like a world wind. I have had to come back unexpectedly to the United States after hearing word that my grandmother was in a grave condition. She still isn’t doing well, but is hanging on. I have experienced a lot of culture shock since I arrived back in my own home country. It is hard to describe. When I first realized that I could understand the conversations happening around me on the plane and then sequentially at the airport, it threw me off. It was like all of a sudden I could hear everything again. Like I had been deaf for a long long time and voila! now I could hear.

I spent time back with my family in the Central Valley of California, but it is always an overwhelming experience there and that certainly hasn’t changed. I have dubbed it the land of flowing milk and republicans… shew. That along with a few days of constant family time and I needed to head up to Yosemite, where I have called home during the majority of my adult life. I am still in the loop with my grandmothers health and condition and am much much closer than I was before and I think everyone feels better about it. A part of me feels like I should be back with them visiting my grandmother every day at the home, but it just takes so much out of me and I don’t feel strong enough to support that right now. I am hoping I will have the strength, the internal strength I need soon so I can return and be there for everyone.