Life in General

Token for One Life

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I read something earlier that reminded me that this is only one wild and crazy life that I am given. That feeling of scarcity does two things, first it makes me freak out a bit and think oh my god. The other thing that happens is it spurs my mind into motion about how I can make the best most amazing life possible.

If I know I only have one life to live, then it really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks about me or who I am. None of it matters. All that matters is sharing the love I have with my family and friends, and any excess, with the rest of the world.

If I think about only having one life to live, my mind then starts to jump to being a whole new person in a whole new level of playing this game of life. I have already lived many reincarnations of myself in “different lives” in this body, but there is still so much I will accomplish, that I am accomplishing, that I will experience in my lifetime.

How will I best use this token? How will I best create anchors in my life to help me on my way to creating the better version of myself and my life every single day?

Objective Look at Lack of Flow

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If I had a friend who told me she was trying to make it to a goal, but things kept steering her away, and so many obstacles came out left and right, I would likely tell her that she needed to slow down and take a look at what she is doing and why she is doing it.

When you are where you are supposed to be, and you are prepared for the opportunities that arise, things flow in your favour. When you are in a situation that you are truly not prepared for, things do not always flow in your favour, and it’s to your benefit from the eagle’s eye view point.

So take this time to step back, regroup, and think about what happens next. Slow it down, breathe, recenter, make a plan, and then move forward step by step. Then allow the flow to happen smoothly and seemingly effortlessly.

That’s a key point too, that it’s not that you just happen to be lucky and things all start going your way, sure that does definitely happen too, but it’s about being open and prepared in some way for the opportunity that allows that seemingly effortless flow. It’s all about the preparation beforehand, so that when in the present moment, intuition can guide, the gut instinct can be trusted, and things fall into place.

Take time, regroup, prepare, and then, start again with a calm and quiet mind.

Life is Pretty Great

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There is nothing like getting away on holiday for long enough to fully appreciate your normal life. What a blessed life I live! Truly. There is an ample amount of love flowing through my family, we are all healthy, happy, enjoying one another. My husband has a day job that he really enjoys where he gets to make a difference and has some authority and responsibility. I have been really In-Joy-ing being a mother lately, being the person who is with our baby, looking after him, growing with him, discovering and revelling in the curiosity of life, it’s wonder-filled for certain!

We have a great place to live, the weather in autumn in Australia is perfect, it’s always around the mid-20s, with blue skies and some clouds, it’s divine. Our backyard is plenty big enough to house Mrs Brown and Mrs White our chickens and their coop. I just love watching them peck around and do their chicken thing of scratching, putting their bums up high and pecking into the ground. It’s so funny to witness them being who they are in their true chicken essence.

Our house is great, everything works and it’s in good repair. Our furniture and everything inside of our house feels comfortable and I have a spacious kitchen to prepare meals and get creative with our food. Our bed is so comfortable and I sleep so well in it.

The recent restart of meditating at least once, usually twice a day has really helped me and I need to remember, that by doing so, it brings such clarity, peace, presence and appreciation in my life. That along with travel and a whole heap of love, and life well and truly is great.

Yay!

Journal Entry March 21st, 2009 Back at Home for Nana’s Funeral

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Being back at home, immersed in memories, looking at old photos and memorabilia of what was, of what has been, of my life, of this reality, my trunk, the trunk or roots, my base, its all a bit surreal. 

There’s a storm coming in as well. The wind is blowing the leaves around, the newly sprouted extensions are being shaken as the branches sway with the breeze. Dark grey clouds here and there amidst an array of grey, blue and white billowing puffs. The atmosphere is a bit more humid and much colder in comparison to the strong sun this afternoon. What a contrast and amazingly appropriate. 

I’m very grateful to have had a sister by my side growing up – I wouldn’t be the same without my other half Alexis. I’m also extremely grateful to have had all of my family so close, I can’t imagine how it would’ve been otherwise. 

I am noticing many similarities between Nana and I as we go through her belongings. She was my first and most impressionable role model and mentor. I am incredibly blessed and thankful for this. I realize today how much this is true. I was meant to have her in such a lead role just as she was meant to teach me what she had learned in life. She was about 70 when Alexis and I moved out to her country home with her. We were young, kindergarten age. She was a great woman. She seemed to be quite connected with who she was. I am lucky to have been raised by such a person. She absolutely influenced me and it is now that I see so clearly how she did. We had a very special bond, different from the rest.  Perhaps it is because I am her first granddaughter, or perhaps it is because our birthdays are two days apart, both on the Pisces/Aires cusp… perhaps we just got along really well in general… 

I took in what she taught me and made it my own. She always wanted to do everything right, the proper way and she would communicate through writing with friends. She would give me paper and a pen to write with as a child which I did next to her. I found a letter that a friend had written back to her proving that she was also quite inspirational to others as well through her words and the way she expressed what she felt from the heart.

The letter was from Anne from 1985, right around the time when Alexis and I went to live with her: 

Anne thanked her for her kind words and support and quoted what Nana had written to her, confessing that she has read it every single day… Nana wrote “All of u have only one day at a time, to lie, we should be thankful, do what we can, and never give up!” That was my grandmother… 

She had all that she needed and was thankful everyday. She wrote in her bible time after time “Thank you Lord for Everything” “and today, and today” She showed it with her loving kindness to everyone in every way. She was selfless and always generous with everything that she had tangible or intangible. I didn’t remember this, but it must be where I get it… she would cut out and copy down poems that she would come across and file them in her most prized possession… her source of inspiration… her bible. They were all about self discover, about being good and kind. She even had a poem of mine from when I was about 13 which made me cry…

—

I come from a very big hearted family, who are generous and kind, loving and compassionate, who like to enjoy life and have fun in lighthearted easy ways, a family of great people who strive to do their best. They are all unique and individual and extremely loyal. They are my family and I am theirs as well… I haven’t felt this good to be back at home in a long time… never quite like this… it feels great… 

I am glad that Chris was kind enough to pick me up from the meditation center to bring me here to say farewell to my grandmother and be here for my family… I am so blessed to have such friends and family. Blessed.

Smile When You Think of Her

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I was a pallbearer along with my sister and a few cousins… In a long white cadillac she took her last ride on a brisk and breezy Monday we bid her farewell not good bye… I read the following graveside… 

 

Although she’s not here, she’s not gone

her years of hardwork raising all of us

with love and patience as she taught us right from wrong

she lives inside of us and is in all that we do

so smile when you think of her, don’t be sad and blue.

Nana has moved on to a peaceful place

up in heaven where they’ve been saving her space

she left this world and has been welcomed by a loving warm embrace

so smile when you think of her, don’t be sad and blue

remember all the hugs and all of her smiles

keep them with you, they’ll take you through the long and windy miles

thank you Nana…

The Heart Breaker

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I don’t want to be a heart breaker  

I want to find balance between giver and taker

I want to fly high, I want to fill your cup

I want to love you dearly

But surely I know I will want to break up

I don’t want to break your heart in the process

Don’t take it personally, it just me… I still want to progress

I’ll experience what you have to offer

I’ll see how I am affected by it

And as easily as I’ll fall in love

I’ll fall right back out…

Don’t take it personally that I chose a different route

I wish I knew how to be another way

And still be happy and joyful every day

This is why I need time to be alone

Spending days all on my own

Falling in love with myself and who I am

Learning about me and learning how to stand

I will reach down low and stretch way high

I’ll try to keep my feet on the floor

While I let my mind and soul fly

It has to start with me first

I will try to break my heartbreak curse

As one love once said as he sat still

“If you let me love you, I will”

Now its time for me to instill

This thought of love and acceptance

Of hope and repentance

For me first and then for you

Then in my life I can be one of two

I owe it to myself to do this now

I’ve not done it before, I’m not really sure how

So, I will do what I think is best

Cutting myself off from the rest

Until I figure out a bit more

Until I reach to the depths of my core

Where I find my own true love for my soul

Then I’ll come back out to play

With a refreshed outlook on the day

Where I can confidently believe and say

“I love my self whole-heartedly for who I am”

until this happens I will not accept another person’s heart in my hand,

first I must know about myself in order to know love and understand.

Looking to the Bright Side

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I have to look on the bright side

to think of the good things in my life

for I am healthy and being my best

I know I cannot control the rest

I can just try every day to progress

to feel the love and feel that I am blessed.

 

I have seen disparity and poverty in other lands

I have seen dishonesty and hatred firsthand

I chose to leave so I could continue to expand

my own horizons even though they are unplanned.

 

I just know that the storms are almost over

as I start a brand new chapter

of my life as I gain closure

relinquishing any pent up anger

embracing my new future.

 

Sunny days and blue skies are ahead

I am trading them for the rain and thunder instead

So I can feel the love surround my heart and my head

because I have to enjoy this life before I am dead.

Thought on Being Legally Bound…

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Is there any thing really wrong about being selfish, developing one’s self first and making that a focal point and continuing to do so as time progresses? How much does one really need to compromise in a relationship? Is a companion all that we can ever really seek in life?

Is there really just one person who will fulfill that gap when you need it? Is that even possible? Can we just get what we need from other people when we need it? Take only what we need and give, if we can, what they are in need of in return? Or further, just give what we need to give, what we can give…

A continuing thought… most likely spurred because I myself have found that I am legally bound, granted in another country, however, still legally bound and in the midst of breaking free from something I shouldn’t have really entered in the first place…where I allowed legal hoops and repercussions to scare me into thinking that I needed to be married to someone whom I did love and was in a relationship with in the said foreign country… masking it with the thought and optimism of love while knowing that if the legal ramifications and country laws were not as they were I wouldn’t have entered…  

Returning to the thought… with divorce in the US being 1 in every 2 marriages ending, doesn’t that mean that we are not as tied into religion as we were? Specifically California having the highest rate of divorce… doesn’t that reflect the lax religious views here? Doesn’t that also lead to the idea that we are more inclined to do what makes us happiest, even if that entails divorce, ending the religious institution of marriage that society tells us we should enter.

Further with divorce, how is it that we are supposed to feel so guilty about it? It is just a religious institution, and if I am not a strict follower of religion and my life is not ruled by religion, should I feel guilty? Should I feel guilty if I no longer feel the way I once did? Should I feel guilty that I have grown into a different person? I don’t think that guilt does me any good at all… why should I take it on when I am not obligated?

It is only my life to live. Shouldn’t I do what makes me happiest in this world? My world is only what I make it and if the person who I am next to doesn’t fit into what I believe I need next to me, is it wrong to be selfish and change the environment? We are all individual anyway… who is to say that the other person will ever be so much like you that you truly can grow old with only them? If I feel like I am on my own path to do the right thing and I realize that includes freeing myself from the bonds of those kinds of relationships, then shouldn’t I do it? Won’t it, in the long run, make the world a better place because I am doing what makes me happiest, what I feel is the best thing I can do for myself to help create this environment of happiness?

Why is it that our society forces us to be legally bound in order to have rights like health care? Health care should be a given right for any citizen living in the world’s most powerful and influential nation. So if you have to get married to have health care, that means that religion and capitalism are tied since health care seems to be totally revolving around money now? Is that a fair assumption?

I can definitely say that I will be more cautious when entering any kind of contract in the future, but in our society doesn’t it almost seem like it is inevitable in order to have rights? Is this where the gay/lesbian rights come in… how unfair that society makes us do this anyway for heterosexual couples, let alone homosexual ones, it is almost like a double blow… isn’t it? Or is it just the same… people who have a different outlook and who just want to love and have rights while living within their own bubble in our current society?