Navigating the Waters

In the last week, I have turned a corner, a major corner. I have started to allow someone else to look after my child in a maximum of 2 hour increments. This is a big deal. He’s now almost 22 months, and prior to now, I pretty much count on one hand the number of times someone else has looked after him besides my husband or myself.

I have so many feelings that are arising from this. Perhaps this is what primary carers of little people go through with this transition. Simultaneously wanting to have freedom and independence, but at the same time wanting to make sure that my little person is completely taken care of. The feeling of, YES FINALLY, I’m Doing Something For Myself, AND the feeling of guilt that someone else is looking after my most precious being, who is completely defenceless, completely incapable of articulating with words anything that goes on.

Exhale. I am doing that a lot, deep breathing. He is going to the day care option that is available at the gym I have joined. It’s all super new, totally customer oriented, and really top of the line. The classes are incredible, the machines are the newest available, the instructors are top notch, the child care is incredible. Even in the baby area, they have a huge play section that rivals the places you have to pay to go into for $12 for 2 hours where you have to buy an obligatory coffee as well. The carers are so lovely, so friendly, so very obviously kid people with big hearts and huge smiles.

All of this is good, I know it. I do. Me progressing forward by moving my body and getting back into shape, along with allowing the next stage of our lives to happen by me letting go and accepting help with my child. I know all of this, I know it’s truly all good. There is still a fountain of feelings coming up and I can’t ignore them. I even invited a fellow Mum from my mum and bub group to come over and watch a tear jerking movie that left us both sobbing, just so we could let the emotions out in a safe place.

The new chapter is beginning and I am grieving the last one. It’s normal, and it’s okay. I have loads of self compassion for myself and am being as gentle with me as I possibly can in this transition. I am also doing my best to be there for my son while he transitions, because it’s also a major shift for him as well. Such a big deal.

Better Body After Baby

This is going to sound crazy. My body seems to be better after having a baby. Better as in, slimmer than before and stronger. I wonder if I have been naturally toning my body because I lift my baby, my top of the chart in weight baby, all day every day. If it’s because I am constantly picking up things from the floor, moving around and bending over regularly.

I was lucky, bitter sweet advantage of having a baby 32 weeks along versus 40 weeks, but it was really easy for me to lose the baby weight, I had hardly gained anyway, and within two weeks I was back below what I had started before getting pregnant. This then fluctuated with lack of sleep, crazy eating patterns, stress, and the whole transition into being a mum, but overall my weight stayed the same. My body however felt pudgy, untoned, out of shape. It even created such a concern to me that I tried a ridiculous body wrap which in turn caused more trouble than any good, I was self conscious. Fast forward about six months, and baby is now about a year and a half old, and seriously my body feels like it’s in pretty good shape. I have endurance, I have strength, I am flexible, and I feel strong.

So maybe this isn’t a fluke. Maybe this is what happens to a lot of moms but the media seems to focus on diet this, diet that, or how to “lose the baby weight” which all of those do more harm than good. I didn’t do any diet, I have just been aware what I have been eating, gotten more sleep, and I play with my baby on the daily.

The Love Glow

I appreciate my body, I appreciate the way that I look, I am super grateful that I have such a nice physical structure and appearance. It’s hard to say this to other people without feeling like I’m coming off as being stuck on myself, or conceited. This hasn’t necessarily been the easiest turn of events to get to this stage though. Through the head on collision, I was transformed as I had to build myself from what felt like the ground up. I had to rework my own sense of self, the perception of who I was, which definitely included how I looked from outside as well as inside.

Having to rebuild myself was likely the best blessing I’ve ever had in my life. It is one that has forever changed the course of my life because I now have well and truly fallen in love with who I am inside and outside. It hasn’t been an easy road, and I certainly would not recommend getting into a major car accident to achieve these results, but since I have I can clearly see the silver lining in it all.

Since I now I have a true love for my own self, I then attracted that in the outside world in the form of the most amazing, loving, supportive partner, who is now my husband. Since I now have that true love for myself, I allowed the possibility of us bringing a child into this world, something that I was not keen on earlier in life. Since I cultivated this deep sense of love for me, I have discovered how truly feminine I am and that I don’t have to necessarily shed off the protective masculine exterior way of being in the world that served me so well while working years climbing the corporate ladder. It’s like I get to take that fierceness, that ambition and now apply it to all of my life rather than focusing just on career. It’s brilliant. It’s working wonders for me as well.

After the car accident, which I’ll nicely refer to as the “divine intervention”, I had a series of different people helping me recover – facial doctors, general doctors, surgeons, physical therapists, acupuncturists, massage and bowen therapists, therapists, and of course a psychologist. The psychologist was very helpful for many reasons, but one of which is she reminded me of the importance of getting ready every day, even if there wasn’t anything scheduled. What a boost this is and has become a mainstay of my life. I enjoy the process of getting ready, of adorning my body with beautiful clothes that make me feel good, with doing my hair, moisturizing my skin, putting on makeup, it feels great.

Coupling the good feeling of getting ready and being prepared for whatever the day brings, along with this sense of true love for myself, and now the corresponding love from my husband, as well as the love that is being mutually exchanged with this baby growing inside of me and I have become an incredibly attractive woman. I look at myself quite objectively when I say this and also when I look in the mirror, because all of this is what it is in this moment and is destined to change. I just truly appreciate the amount of love that I have in all of these areas and how that love is made manifest by creating this beautiful glow of femininity. This is the stage where I wish everyone was able to cultivate this kind of overflowing love because being bright and shiny feels oh so good.

Surrendering to Death (and Life)

All things change. It is the nature of this existence, of impermanence. In the process of change, it is necessary for things to “die” so that new things can emerge. In the same vein that the phoenix rises from it’s ashes, from the fire, from death, to be this glorious and powerful being. Death is just a part of the life cycle.

Without change, with the passing of things, the passing of stages of life, the passing of who we were, it would not be possible to fully embrace who we are meant to be, who we are in this moment, who we will eventually evolve into. It’s really a beautiful process. I don’t necessarily believe in reincarnation, but I do believe that within this one physical life that I am in right now, I have had many different “lives” all of which had a death, so that I could emerge into my new “life”. It’s very poetic and creative to me. I can’t see past what I don’t know, what I haven’t experienced myself. I can read up, I can imagine, I can listen to others, but in the end, it is from my own personal journey that I learn about life, about existence, about myself, about others, about life, and about death.

Surrendering to death at this moment feels essential. The death of who I was is quickly approaching. I feel like it’s been happening, that old version of me has been dying a not-so-gradual death. From the moment that I got married I felt a surge of new life. From that moment in that extreme rush, it was made possible because I surrendered and let myself go to the next level, I let the old fearful version of who I was go, in favour of the divine love and growth that I am intended.

In that big day of surrender, of death, we actually created life. As in we conceived our child that is growing inside of my body right now as I type and think about this topic. All of which was so easy to do, all of which was so natural because we let go of the fear, I let go of the fear I had held onto for countless years of not being good enough, not being worthy, not feeling like I could be a good wife, or a good mother… it was all fear, and it was about time that I FINALLY LET IT GO!

What a blessing it was to give into that death. Sometimes death comes much more rapidly, instantly, like when I had the car accident, in a moment life changed. I absolutely prefer the gentle lessons approach of gradual and conscious change with full intention and full awareness of what is happening. It feels more natural, it feels real, it brings joy, and feels really good. Gradual death to breath in new life with the right nourishment and the right amount of space is unlike any other.

In this process of now being a wife, and soon being a mother, I feel that the old version of me is dying so quickly. I appreciate that I was that person, those people, over all of those different chapters and I can only look back with gratitude but only for a moment because the truth in life, the truth in the moment, the joy, the love, is in this moment. Who knows how many more deaths I will experience in this life, but I do hope that they continue to be infused with an abundance of health, happiness, joy, and love. Thus far I’ve been so lucky in my life and I can only expect that this pattern will continue, especially from now moving forward.

Soon we will be living in our new house, living in the life we are setting up for us to be parents, to grow ourselves and our family. This brings me so much joy that I can hardly contain it. It makes me feel really blessed that I have died enough to get to this stage. I’m also still gestating and working on a project that will launch later this year as well, a program to help women change their love patterns. I can feel that I am dying here too, letting go of the fear of if I’m not knowledgeable enough, or whatever perfectionist tendencies I have had with it. This will also take on that phoenix story arch and I will rise about and lead the way with my fire, my light, all born out of the ashes of my past. It’s all so beautiful.

So here’s to death! Here’s to moving forward! Here’s to embracing life in ways that the “old version” would not have been able to! Here’s to the Joy that growth and change can bring!

Revolution, Evolution, Lessons

I have a pattern of naively jumping into situations, hoping for the best, and just going for it. This has worked out really really well at many stages of my life. At other times it has gone drastically the other way. Nonetheless I learn an incredible amount of lessons about life, myself, other people, processes, and mostly, grow through the experiences which have helped me to evolve to the person I am now.

Jumping in is kinda like a revolution versus an evolution, but enough revolutions can also create an evolution, at least from my life stories, I find this to be a truth. Lots of sudden changes that create a lasting effect. This totally makes sense to me.

For instance, my latest Revolution has been becoming pregnant. Although my husband and I consciously went into this, as in we had conversations, said we wanted to create another life together, and we made divine love. This sounds like evolution, but the condensed time frame of me removing my contraceptive device and us expecting a child was so quick! I once heard that nothing in nature moves slow, and maybe this is the natural evolution of human life, my life, our life.

Now that I am pregnant and we are expecting our first child later this year, I feel like I am learning SO much about gestating and being healthy along the way in body, mind, and spirit. By the way this has been very important to me anyway, but now that there is literally someone who is completely and 100% affected by my actions, I am super aware of what I am doing and am making more responsible decisions as a whole.

I’m learning about different parenting methods and which ones jive the best. Prior to starting on this path we talked about having an Au Pair immediately to help with everything. Although that certainly isn’t ruled out, the more I learn about the importance of baby bonding the more the weight and responsibility of being a mother to a child comes in.

What I do and how I raise this child will have an impact upon myself, my husband, the child, our family and friends, the community, the world at large as the ripple effect of life happens. This thought, this HUGE thought is leading to a personal revolution within my mind, within my body, that I certainly did not see coming. Not only is it a constant thought on my mind, it is becoming more and more of a focus about how our lives will be.

With creating my own family, I literally have the ability to change the world by bringing and raising a whole human being. This feels like an incredible gift and opportunity for my own growth, the growth of my husband, the growth of our relationship, the growth of our child obviously as well. I’ve worked so hard to develop myself to be at this stage, and I feel so equipped to do my best to help create an environment where the child feels whole, safe, loved, cared for. I do this for myself, I do this for my husband, it’s what we have created, it’s what we consciously create.

It’s been by the crazy revolutions in my life that have lead to this stage of gestation with conscious love and all of a sudden I feel like I should be charging forth on a white stallion waving a flag of love, of honour, of connection. My promise, my duty as a parent bringing a child into this world, is that I will do my utmost to ensure that I am able to be there and provide for this dependent being so that it can then evolve and create it’s own revolutions.


Loving My Pregnant Body

I cannot even begin to express the amount of adoration I have for my own body as it’s growing this human being inside of me. I LOVE the new curves I have, I LOVE the way that my belly is changing, I LOVE that my body is able to do all of this! I am in complete and utter awe that my human body is even capable of this and to witness it changing shape and growing, literally growing, is absolutely amazing. I truly am in awe.

After my shower this afternoon I decided to lather on some coconut oil to combat the dryness of winter here in Australia. Thankfully it isn’t too cold so I just air dried my body and watched how the winter’s sun came in through the window and illuminated my growing belly, I was glowing! All of the feminine goodness that I am right now is so very attractive to me! I love it. I absolutely love it.

What a gift and blessing to be able to experience this. I feel incredibly grateful.

Transformation and the flow of my mind

i refute the idea that all life is suffering.

recently heard a translation to modern times suffering=stress.
this flows more easily with me.
living mostly on the spiritual and mental planes these days
these days in australia
wondering if its all just fiction
all the numbers, all the signs
a storyline based on a world of spirituality
that being the theme
i go with it
im interested
but could it be just like anything else… built by a set of ideas
then distributed and followed…
ill take what i want and leave the rest
take in, taste, experience, and absorb only whats necessary
in total preparation of the next step
i am becoming a full woman
true to myself and my nature
independent and confident
in my abilities
in my mind
in my love and in my knowing.
i know… i know… it is true
comfort in the words in old books that seem to confirm what i’ve known
not sure why i had to get confirmation, but i have and thats that.
its not always easy when you are venturing out on your own
paving your own way
going against the grain of the rest of the piece…
with a greater vision
not a herd mind whatsoever
i have to lead my life the way i choose
learning to truly trust this process and myself in it
i am getting there…
i make things more complicated that they need to… must K.I.S.S. more keeping to one plot… simplicity…
I break it down to keep it super simple… 🙂
for some reason i need to learn all about it before i can do that though
otherwise i feel like i am moving about blindly
not my cup of tea
feeling me
feeling what is here
feeling the greater force whatever that is
its all around
its all around
regularly i request… make me a channel of divine creativity and use me as an instrument of higher will…
wrote the basis for a story… came to me at 3am, ten pages… based on the story steps illustrated on my wall…
flooding out… and then it stopped midway and i wrote… tell me more and more came…
now what to do with it…
wanting to create something that eventually involves others
based on what flows through me… in words…
hopefully in full stories…
help disimminate the awareness…
to help bring light to other peoples work as well…
hopefully making an impact, an influence on others,
on myself, on humanity
the goal is still this…
to positively impact and raise the vibration of humanity, of the human race…
through energy
through thoughtful words and awareness
evoking emotion
evoking thought
evoking change

An Era of Illusion

Silly to have lived in an era of illusion

perhaps it still exists

though my lenses have shifted

i am just me as perfect as i can be

like no one else I’ve ever really known – all me

allowing myself the freedom of expression, of expansion

letting go of someone else’s – society’s version of perfection

accepting and cherishing my uncommon thoughts

my varying actions

i am me, this is me

holding true to my inner self

it is higher than i can comprehend

the world continues to transform

a unique and individual place indeed

understanding depths of my soul

that I’ve only brushed by before

trusting that i am my best me

knowing that changes each moment

embracing the ever morphing reality

laughing in it, loving in it, growing in it….