Love My Body

I just caught a glimpse of my shadow as I walked upstairs. It’s morning, there’s a dewy kind of autumn fog outside, but inside it’s cozy, the perfect temperature to get you going in the morning. I saw my beautiful shadow with it’s hourglass like structure, the indention of my waist, the soft curves of my hips. It caught me off guard, even my shadow is lovely.

This may sound narcissistic. It may sound self absorbed. Truth is that it’s taken me a total shake up of my view of myself to fully come to love my body in the way that I do. I wasn’t one of those girls that struggled with body image when they were in high school or in their early 20s. I have been blessed in life to be tall, blonde, and with very nice large breasts. I am lucky, and it truly has been luck of the draw. I didn’t develop hips until I was in my mid-20s and now after having a child and being in my mid 30s, they are nicely filled out. How lovely to have curves.

When I see my reflection in the mirror I think good thoughts, I look at my caesarian scar and although it has never properly healed, I look at it with love. I see my body as a whole through eyes of love and that feels great.

How to get to this stage I guess could be the question. How to get to a point where you love your body and cherish it in such ways? Does it need to take one, err two, near death experiences to create this kind of loving awareness? Does it need to take hundreds and hundreds of hours of meditation to come to a state where love is the lens in which one looks through? Do you have to go through partners who didn’t appreciate your body and to partners who just about worshiped it in order to feel a sense of pride in your own appearance? Do you have to have your body in shambles and then rebuild it to understand the importance of maintaining your health and wellbeing which directly affects the way your body looks and feels?

If I knew how to pinpoint how to love and appreciate your body in a direct that would be helpful. However, when looking at my own life, it’s as always, a myriad of rich experiences that have cultivated this sense of self and again, I am lucky. I love you body. Thank you for everything.

thoughts on the american dream

swimming around

in the dream

sometimes in the warmth

in the light way up high

and other times

yes they happen too

i find myself in the deep

dark cold blue

all various shades

of the mighty spectrum

of life… of the dream

the american dream

or whatever that seems

the collective unconscious

the one thats planted

from a bygone era

the one that isnt mine

that isnt yours

but belongs to those

who hold the strings

who orchestrate the show

once i stepped outside

away from the scene

thats its all so mindless

we’ve been cogs in the machine

its hard to see this

when thats all we see

but ive seen more now

and can’t return

i know theres another way

than the “american dream”

that silly silly american dream

or whatever that means…

The Truth About Cats and Dogs

I just watched a movie with new eyes that I have loved since the first time I watched it over ten years ago. The Truth About Cats and Dogs is a wonderfully clever and truthful film. Granted I usually do overthink and dive into ideas head first these days, leaving little room to just laugh, with today being no exception. I wish it weren’t so, I wish I didn’t always read into what I am experiencing, but I will keep doing this until I stop. 😉 

So the beautiful blond Uma Thurman plays a very sweet, misdirected, loveable, yet dumb girl while Jeanne Garafalo plays the opposite role as the nondescript brunette with brains, wit and intellect. There is a lot of truth, I hate to say, in this very cliche casting and line of thought really. Then, oddly enough, I am relating it a little bit further that the beautiful blond is like the best friend companion who is always happy to see you and makes you feel good because they feel good to be around you. I then take the nondescript brunette as being more like the cat who is more complicated and does her own thing, finds her own amusements and develops in a completely different way. 

I have thought a lot about this idea of how one’s outward beauty dictates their life experience. I especially realized how my outward appearance – my white skin, my tall stature, my long blond hair and my blue eyes drastically impacted my experience while living in Brazil, a country with such a mix of nationalities mainly of Latin and African descent. I know that my appearance helped to shape my personality. I know that my personality shaped how I have handled and continue to handle things in life. I know that my life would be very different if I didn’t look the way that I do. Just as if I wasn’t born in America, or in 1980, or in California, or a girl. It all makes up how I am in life. 

So, with that said, I know that I cannot pinpoint exactly why I am the way I am because, like everything it seems, there are so many facets that should be considered that make up who I am, where I am and why I do the things that I do. I feel awkward with what I am about to say as I fear the perception that I am arrogant, but because I am attractive I know that I have had an advantage in my life, particularly when it comes to social aspects. Attractive people are, as I can see it, easier to socialize with, easier to deal with and just easier in most cases all around. There are the assholes and the bitches of course that value attractiveness above intelligence thus letting it all go to their head and think that everyone should worship them, but the majority are not that way. 

So, there was a part in the movie that basically said that dogs are always happy to see you and don’t say… ah… yeah, my owner has left now it is time for me to write a novel, instead they wait until the next time the owner comes back. They go to those who will pet them and aren’t selective as cats can definitely be. They are easy to please and aren’t too picky about who loves them as long as someone loves them.

Sure dogs can be complex. Sure attractive people can be complex, in fact, they usually are, but in a different way than less attractive people, I think. Am I ridiculous to even make this comparison? Maybe. But as one who has seemingly moved from one relationship to the next with other attractive people, is it fair to say that I am like a dog in that sense? How about my cat like distance that is inevitable? What about that side of it… complex… always is I guess. I guess this is why it is good to think about such comparisons. How can I ever know about someone else’s complexity when I am just trying to figure out my own though… it certainly does make me think about being more selective on who I allow to pet me.

Blind, but Starting to See…

I remember back when I was a freshman in high school, some 14 years ago now, talking to a guy friend telling him that I wished everyone were blind. I wished that we were forced to only look into each others hearts to make decisions on who we chose around us. That we would choose only the highest quality people for who they were on the inside not how they appeared to be on the outside.

 

My first music festival in 2005, Vegoose, was a turning point in my life. I went originally to see Jack Johnson whom I had been listening for a few years, but had no idea what to expect. It was a brilliant mix of artists, some who I had heard of before, but most that I had not. I liked the beat and the feel of the festival and that scene so much that I really started to get into it. I didn’t really know what it all meant, but I was loving it.

 

Sometime in 2006 I remember a friend posing a question to me… If I had the choice to be blind or deaf, which would I choose? I immediately said that I would choose to be blind, thinking back of my youthful wish. I was still so much into music and moving my body to the beat that I couldn’t imagine not being able to experience it. Along with that, if I were blind then I would be forced to solely rely on my intuition to lead me in the right direction.

 

Then came a huge physical turn in my life… I moved to Brazil. I heard people all the time singing along to songs and not knowing the words and I realized that I also, didn’t really know either. I began on a personal mission to look up lyrics of my favorite songs. This has been so revealing. I didn’t know the lyrics and I certainly didn’t know the meaning of the words that my favorite artists sang. This lead me to start looking up the artists themselves. It inspired me to learn about history so that I could understand the climate of the world and the US at the time the artist grew up and when they wrote the lyrics. I wanted to know why they chose the words that they chose to sing about. I wanted to know why they chose to sing about those topics. I didn’t understand, but I really wanted to so I just started to try. I was blind in another way, for so long.

 

I still don’t know if I really see, but I am beginning to and that makes me feel good. I can only try to do my best in any given circumstance while striving for truth and honesty in every situation.

White Privilege

This is fantastic article outlining mainstream present moment examples that we are experiencing as a nation in regards to White Privilege. There is white priveledge in the US and around the world for that matter. It is unmistakably true about the US as it is for Brazil, my current vantage point. It is disgusting and unfortunately most people still don’t see it. We are taught in the US to not see the racism and built in biasness that runs so deep in the United States. Like a lot of things, it is hard to see something that is right in front of our eyes every day, especially if we have always been taught to look at other things. We, as Americans, try to hide it, try to make up for it in some sectors, but if you actually research the issues you will see that minorities and women generally come out on bottom… while white men, continue to be on top… We live in a White World and as my white friends will probably dispute this, it is absolutely true.

I got this article from a friends site www.myspace.com/portuguese_poetress – Thank you Amy.

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Here is the article:
White Privilege

This is Your Nation on White Privilege
By Tim Wise
9/13/08

For those who still can’t grasp the concept of white privilege, or who are looking for some easy-to-understand examples of it, perhaps this list will help.

White privilege is when you can get pregnant at seventeen like Bristol Palin and everyone is quick to insist that your life and that of your family is a personal matter, and that no one has a right to judge you or your parents, because “every family has challenges,” even as black and Latino families with similar “challenges” are regularly typified as irresponsible, pathological and arbiters of social decay.

White privilege is when you can call yourself a “fuckin’ redneck,” like Bristol Palin’s boyfriend does, and talk about how if anyone messes with you, you’ll “kick their fuckin’ ass,” and talk about how you like to “shoot
shit” for fun, and still be viewed as a responsible, all-American boy (and a great son-in-law to be) rather than a thug.

White privilege is when you can attend four different colleges in six years like Sarah Palin did (one of which you basically failed out of, then returned to after making up some coursework at a community college), and no one questions your intelligence or commitment to achievement, whereas a person of color who did this would be viewed as unfit for college, and probably someone who only got in in the first place because of affirmative action.

White privilege is when you can claim that being mayor of a town smaller than most medium-sized colleges, and then Governor of a state with about the same number of people as the lower fifth of the island of Manhattan, makes you ready to potentially be president, and people don’t all piss on themselves with laughter, while being a black U.S. Senator, two-term state Senator, and constitutional law scholar, means you’re “untested.”

White privilege is being able to say that you support the words “under God” in the pledge of allegiance because “if it was good enough for the founding fathers, it’s good enough for me,” and not be immediately disqualified from holding office–since, after all, the pledge was written in the late 1800s and the “under God” part wasn’t added until the 1950s–while if you’re black and believe in reading accused criminals and terrorists their rights (because the Constitution, which you used to teach at a prestigious law school, requires it), you are a dangerous and mushy liberal who isn’t fit to safeguard American institutions.

White privilege is being able to be a gun enthusiast and not make people immediately scared of you.

White privilege is being able to have a husband who was a member of an extremist political party that wants your state to secede from the Union, and whose motto is “Alaska first,” and no one questions your patriotism or that of your family, while if you’re black and your spouse merely fails to come to a 9/11 memorial so she can be home with her kids on the first day of school, people immediately think she’s being disrespectful.

White privilege is being able to make fun of community organizers and the work they do–like, among other things, fight for the right of women to vote, or for civil rights, or the 8-hour workday, or an end to child
labor–and people think you’re being pithy and tough, but if you merely question the experience of a small town mayor and 18-month governor with no foreign policy expertise beyond a class she took in college and the fact that she lives close to Russia–you’re somehow being mean, or even sexist.

White privilege is being able to convince white women who don’t even agree with you on any substantive issue to vote for you and your running mate anyway, because suddenly your presence on the ticket has inspired confidence in these same white women, and made them give your party a “second look.”

White privilege is being able to fire people who didn’t support your political campaigns and not be accused of abusing your power or being a typical politician who engages in favoritism, while being black and merely
knowing some folks from the old-line political machines in Chicago means you must be corrupt.

White privilege is when you can take nearly twenty-four hours to get to a hospital after beginning to leak amniotic fluid, and still be viewed as a great mom whose commitment to her children is unquestionable, and whose “next door neighbor” qualities make her ready to be VP, while if you’re a black candidate for president and you let your children be interviewed for a few seconds on TV, you’re irresponsibly exploiting them.

White privilege is being able to give a 36 minute speech in which you talk about lipstick and make fun of your opponent, while laying out no substantive policy positions on any issue at all, and still manage to be
considered a legitimate candidate, while a black person who gives an hour speech the week before, in which he lays out specific policy proposals on several issues, is still criticized for being too vague about what he would do if elected.

White privilege is being able to attend churches over the years whose pastors say that people who voted for John Kerry or merely criticize George W. Bush are going to hell, and that the U.S. is an explicitly Christian
nation and the job of Christians is to bring Christian theological principles into government, and who bring in speakers who say the conflict in the Middle East is God’s punishment on Jews for rejecting Jesus, and
everyone can still think you’re just a good church-going Christian, but if you’re black and friends with a black pastor who has noted (as have Colin Powell and the U.S. Department of Defense) that terrorist attacks are often the result of U.S. foreign policy and who talks about the history of racism and its effect on black people, you’re an extremist who probably hates America.

White privilege is not knowing what the Bush Dotrine is when asked by a reporter, and then people get angry at the reporter for asking you such a “trick question,” while being black and merely refusing to give one-word answers to the queries of Bill O’Reilly means you’re dodging the question, or trying to seem overly intellectual and nuanced.

White privilege is being able to go to a prestigious prep school, then to Yale and then Harvard Business school, and yet, still be seen as just an average guy (George W.Bush) while being black, going to a prestigious prep school, then Occidental College, then Columbia, and then to Harvard Law, makes you “uppity,” and a snob who probably looks down on regular folks.

White privilege is being able to graduate near the bottom of your college class (McCain), or graduate with a C average from Yale (W.) and that’s OK, and you’re cut out to be president, but if you’re black and you graduate near the top of your class from Harvard Law, you can’t be trusted to make good decisions in office.

White privilege is being able to dump your first wife after she’s disfigured in a car crash so you can take up with a multi-millionaire beauty queen (who you go on to call the c-word in public) and still be thought of as a man of strong family values, while if you’re black and married for nearly twenty years to the same woman, your family is viewed as un-American and your gestures of affection for each other are called “terrorist fist bumps.”

White privilege is when you can develop a pain-killer addiction, having obtained your drug of choice illegally like Cindy McCain, go on to beat that addiction, and everyone praises you for being so strong, while being a black guy who smoked pot a few times in college and never became an addict means people will wonder if perhaps you still get high, and even ask whether or not you ever sold drugs.

White privilege is being able to sing a song about bombing Iran and still be viewed as a sober and rational statesman, with the maturity to be president, while being black and suggesting that the U.S.should speak with other nations, even when we have disagreements with them, makes you “dangerously naive and immature.”

White privilege is being able to say that you hate “gooks” and “will always hate them,” and yet, you aren’t a racist because, ya know, you were a POW so you’re entitled to your hatred, while being black and insisting that black anger about racism is understandable, given the history of your country, makes you a dangerous bigot.

White privilege is being able to claim your experience as a POW has anything at all to do with your fitness for president, while being black and experiencing racism and an absent father is apparently among the “lesser
adversities” faced by other politicians, as Sarah Palin explained in her convention speech.

And finally, white privilege is the only thing that could possibly allow someone to become president when he has voted with George W. Bush 90 percent of the time, even as unemployment is skyrocketing, people are losing their homes, inflation is rising, and the U.S. is increasingly isolated from world opinion, just because a lot of white voters aren’t sure about that whole “change” thing. Ya know, it’s just too vague and ill-defined, unlike, say, four more years of the same, which is very concrete and certain.

White privilege is, in short, the problem.

Looking like our Neighbor

Since we cannot choose our genes and we didn’t have an option, is that why we are sooo outwardly focused now? Why are we so interested in our outward appearance when most of us cannot help how we look. Of course there are the extreme people for one reason or another that surgically change their appearance, but for the rest of us… why are we so focused on how we look instead of how we feel?

I guess how we feel, in this climate, is directly linked to how we look. Especially since we are forced to be so consumed with the idea of “perfection”. We spend billions each year on cosmetics to look like everyone else, to help boost our self esteem but does it really work? Just because we look the same or similar on the outside doesn’t mean we are the same on the inside. What about looking inward and accepting our own natural beauty? What about accepting how we look and moving on to bigger and more important things?

Let’s look at health… internal, spiritual, mental and physical. What about those? Doesn’t health make us happy? Doesn’t happiness make us healthy? Self love is totally involved in this yet is overshadowed usually by the desire to look a certain way, to fit in with the crowd.  Why do we want to look like everyone else in the herd instead of cherishing our differences? We are not cookie-cutter versions of one another… we are all so individual, yet for some reason strive to look like our neighbor.

Good Genes

People cannot help the way they look on the outside. Their physical features are beyond their control. To judge a person by the way they look, to be inclined to someone who is naturally more attractive and assuming they are a good person is like judging a person by their family… there is an influence, but there wasn’t a choice. We always have to work with the cards that we have been dealt. It is up to us what we do with such advantages to rise above and be a better person because of it.