Waking Up in a Panic

Last night my husband had to rush into work as there was a huge outage likely due to the torrential downpour that was happening here in Sydney. This was sometime before dark and I consider it much easier to drive in the daylight than in the dark, especially in inclement weather. However, dark came early since it’s winter, and I kept an eye on him through Find Friends which is an app that we both have to locate one another in case of an emergency. Okay, all was fine. Close to 10p I went to bed and sent him a text saying to come and cuddle with me when he gets home.

This morning at 5am I awoke to his side of the bed empty, no texts, and he was no where to be found at home. I tried Find Friends and he was not locatable. His phone went directly to voicemail. I sent him an email, a Skype Message, a FaceBook message, so pretty much every way I know of how to get in contact with him. Nothing. Nothing. I tried to reassure myself that he was okay but I couldn’t help feeling very very concerned. My mind immediately went to the absolute worst case scenario, and I was completely distraught.

Finally I get a text back from him saying that his phone had died and that he was still at work. Sure that gave me some relief, but sheesh, I had already worked myself up so much, it didn’t really bring relief.

I try my best not to get too attached to people, places, things, ideas, because I know it’s all fleeting. However, I have become so attached to my husband and even the thought of something bad really throws me off in a major way. How do I reconcile this? How do I come to terms with this so that A) it doesn’t actualise in the worst case scenario because I really do believe that my thoughts are incredibly powerful agents of change and B) somehow loosen my grip on this attachment so that I am not completely destroyed if something does happen. So many what ifs. I know this is a dangerous game to play and one that serves me no good, yet I am playing it.

Along with this panicked start to the day, I have noticed the craziest not nice self talk happening to myself quietly. It’s like my mind has gotten on a runaway train and I know I have to bring it to a halt. None of this is doing me any good. I feel so unbelievably emotional and sad, almost like I am already grieving and that isn’t helpful to me. I’m likely tapping into the grief well within myself and all of the other emotional experiences that are tied to that are also being accessed subconsciously. I even found myself playing old music that I used to listen to way back when, when honestly I wasn’t all that happy, and I was completely unattached. It’s like I was taking a trip down a bad memory lane, to a place that doesn’t serve me well, and isn’t bringing good forward moving feelings of gratitude, love and happiness.

So what do I do to combat this? I took my vitamins this morning, I spent some time thinking about what I am grateful for, but I will write this down as it will have a bigger impact, something about writing it down and seeing the words is powerful and does create a shift. I did some deep breathing. I dabbed on some Rose Essential Oil. I took some flower essences, I played with baby. I made myself a protein shake. I took a shower, exfoliated, and then put on my makeup. I put on a white top, that really does seem to help my mood too. Really I am doing whatever I can to up my self care. I will meditate while bub is napping as well. A good walk when he wakes up will be great for both of us, especially now that the rain has broken and the sun is out. It’s been a long weekend indoors that’s for sure, then topped off with this last night/this morning, it’s been a bit much.

It really is true about the Golden Hour and how it sets the tone of your day. Now I’ll do what I can to get it back on track.