Somewhere Along the Way

Somewhere along the way I grew jaded. I mean that has to be the reason right? The reason I am questioning so much after spending so much of my time in this way of thinking. That I would devote so much time and energy into the thought and lifestyle of “following my bliss”. I curated the thoughts in my head, I used mantras, I cut out people from my life, and even would steer away from friends who had gotten sick because they must not have been aligned for something to go wrong, right?

I’ve always been an optimistic person and I’ve always been one to dive right in, and this stage of my life was no different. I had been living in Brazil and was totally lost, I knew I wasn’t where I needed to be and was searching for clarity. I was trying anything and everything and even fasted for about a month on just water with alternating days where I would drink some coconut water or some sugar cane juiced with lime. I taught myself to meditate and would create art for arts sake to see what was going on. This was all back in 2007-2008 and the internet was really just starting to kick off there weren’t a lot of resources like you can find now about all of these topics, so I just kinda figured it out as I went along. A sort of friend of mine said that he had been reading Joseph Campbell and in a short email exchanged mentioned the term “follow your bliss” and I grabbed ahold of it with all of my might.

I made posters with that wonderful phrase and hung them on my dingy apartment wall overlooking one of the busiest street intersections in Sao Paolo. I scribbled in my journals, and I meditated with it in mind, hoping to figure out what that actually meant and how I could use it to help my situation. One day at a friends ranch in the countryside, we ate some “Hawaiian babies” which were seeds from one of the plants in the yard. I had broken my fast by taking them and drinking watermelon blended up, a strange way of ending it, but I got the clarity I needed. I wasn’t a very good guest that weekend, I scribbled in my journal, I drew the fabulous magical plants around me and I came to realise that for me to follow my bliss meant that at any given time I needed to do what felt best to me, even if that meant being anti-social and completely doing my own thing, which I did. I had so many realisations that weekend while I was off my head and it certainly was an awakening of sorts.

Eventually after I was back in the US after my escape from Brazil, yes it was like an escape, but I’ll write more about that later, but after I was back in my home country I was even more lost than before. Familiar people, familiar places, familiar smells, but none of it felt fully like home. Yes I snuggled and cried and danced and swam and stomped through the snow in my beloved Yosemite, and did think about returning for another round, but I just couldn’t. I wasn’t the same, I was a different persona and I needed more than I knew how to get there. I continued to listen to the writing on the wall or take tips from people to heart, and one gave me a tip about a meditation centre nearby, one that had been there the entire time I lived in Yosemite but never knew about.

I spent time at this meditation centre and there’s more to this story too, but I’ll share more about that later. I will say that it was another one of those times where I met the right people at the right time, and forged friendships that would definitely support that stage of my life. I had learned about the power of manifesting along the way by writing down what I wanted and watching it unfold. I noticed this happen again and again and again. I also felt like it was contrived and I came to the point where I actually wanted to be surprised and let go of trying to be the master of my universe. I have still used that over the years though because I know the power of my words and the strength of my mind can cause tremendous change in my life and those around me. It sounds like a god complex kind of thing but it wasn’t, or maybe it was? Is this the heaven on earth scenario just a bit manufactured? Who knows. There are always questions.

So fast forward and I got into head on collision and I was fully into that mode of thought of Law of Attraction where what I think becomes, and was certain that I had created this crazy accident in some far-fetched way because I wasn’t on the path I needed to be on, so the Universe not so gently helped me correct course. Okay, I accepted that and it made sense. Maybe that’s the biggest part of all of this line of thinking, we always want everything to make sense, I always want to put everything into some neat little informational package so that all the pieces fit together, to tie up loose ends and ensure that it all flows so I can continue moving on to the next thing.

When my very complicated pregnancy came around, I did try to change my thoughts, I did try to manage my vibration but sure enough I couldn’t do it well enough, if looking through that lens, and had extended hospital stays, prescribed pain killers, and an emergency cesarean of my baby two months too soon, followed by an intense section of life of the emotional hell that is the NICU. I felt embarrassed that I wasn’t strong enough to handle the way it happened. I felt that I had failed in my own way of thinking and had surmised to this weaker state of mind which allowed all of the heartache and pain to happen. I didn’t want to share pictures of my child that would normally be joyous of his first days because to me he looked like an alien in a clear box with all kinds of tubes and wires hanging off of him, I had failed to create this birth for both of us, for all of us. Whoa it’s hard to confront this truth and I’m getting emotional typing it. I really felt like I had failed and let myself, my new son, my husband, and every other person I have every talked to about the power of thoughts, down. Like going through seeing your child like that and dealing with my own pain wasn’t enough, that feeling of failure was absolutely soul crushing. How could I have not been able to practice what I have preached and been able to do again and again in my own personal life before then? Oh boy it was a hard time.

I see how “thought leaders” in this industry of selling the thought that you have control over everything in your life attribute being poor with not being spiritual. I see them also attribute not being healthy or having an illness as not being spiritual, that you can just turn it around with your thoughts. I think it’s all a big pile of bullshit these days. I believe in optimism and I believe in setting goals and doing your best every moment and really finding the goodness in life, but everyone has the path they need to walk and to justify it one way or another is just making a huge pile of excuses and it may sell books or speaking gigs or classes, but I don’t subscribe to this thought any more and it feels like I am breaking up with it.

I do however still believe that my thoughts influence my life, absolutely. I absolutely believe that being optimistic can bring sunshine into the gloomiest of areas and help a person get out of situations to where they really do have more sun in the sky than rain, metaphorically speaking. I’m just dropping the judgemental part of it. We all get a starting point where we are, and sure enough we can do whatever we can with it, and that’s great, that is fine, that is enough, and things happen in life, it is our attitude that helps guide us through the process but that still doesn’t justify why there are kids who starve to death, or young people who get cancer or other atrocities like this, it’s not because they aren’t spiritual enough, it’s just the hand they have been dealt and that’s it.

I’m still holding onto the need for joy and laughter and fun and time off in my life. I am still holding onto the need for beauty and smiles and healthy living. I am still holding onto the fact that loving someone else and feeling that love back is one of the most precious gifts in human existence. I am still holding onto my way of being that likes to see the bright side. I am still holding onto my understanding that we aren’t really all created equally and that we all don’t have equal ways to get ahead or to progress and I have compassion for this. I am holding onto my belief that I still get to choose in every moment who I get to be and can be that person and allowing change to happen this way in my life now. I still believe that if you surround yourself with things/people/environment that make you feel inspired to be your best self, then its a hell of a lot easier to do so. I am still in total belief that I am here to make a positive impact upon the world and will continue to do so, even if with only my smile as I pass a stranger. I will continue to share love and be love because I can.

Energy Vampires

There’s this feeling that comes along when you are talking with someone and they could care less if you are really listening, have anything to say, or what you think. It’s when someone already has what they will be saying next in their mind while you are talking instead of creating a flow of conversation. These people drain my energy in a big way.

I don’t always notice it straight away, but then when I do, I’m usually good about setting up my own boundaries and standing my ground to avoid them and to avoid the situations where I feel drained, depleted, or just frustrated afterward. Granted I do have A LOT of energy. I am lucky like that, but the reason that I do is because I have boundaries and I have ways of expressing myself, and know how to increase my energy levels on my own.

So for all the energy vampires out there… my boundaries are like garlic and a steel bullet… Steer clear from me.

Calling Someone Out

I recently was in a situation where someone was painting a picture of themselves being the victim of the story they were telling. However, as the story went on, it became incredibly clear that the storyteller was more ego-hurt and being arrogant rather than a true victim of someone else’s deeds. I tried being subtle at first as I realised this and gave options of how to succeed in that situation moving forward. This didn’t go anywhere. Then eventually I said he was being a dick and that is why he was in that situation. Perhaps I could have had more tact, but I couldn’t figure out how to convey it in any other way that would have the cut-through needed for this person to actually hear it.

This leads me to question whether or not people really want to be called out or if they really are just looking for sympathy. I know myself some times I really just need some place to express myself, which is where HonestThoughts.com was born. I also write in my journal, I draw, I paint, I groom, I move my body, I meditate, there are many ways that I deal with my stuff.

However, I think I’ve come to realise that this person whom I do come into contact with regularly as we share a living space sometimes, could likely care less about any input I have. I am now looking at it like I am just being used for my energy so that this person feels significant or feels like they have some kind of power because other people listen to them. I have also learned recently that this person tells lies and bullshits on the regular, but I hadn’t understood this until the last few days. Do people to habitually lie realise they are doing it? Are they missing that emotional aspect where it is bad to lead people on like that?

Obviously I’m still sorting this out. It did feel really great to call him out on his shit. Perhaps I may do this more moving forward rather than just observing, witnessing and then keeping those people at a far enough distance away that they aren’t in my realm once I realise.

Eel Totem and “Great Change”

Three weeks ago I graduated from University. Since then I have gone through a series of different emotions, running fast, then slowing right now, and even sprained my ankle! It’s an interesting space to be in where there are expectations of what a new graduate does, as in gets a typical job works and makes a little money. However, I haven’t wanted to return to something or a way of life that I have previously experienced, so I have been feeling the pull towards that familiar route and simultaneously a strong push away from it. It’s not that I don’t want to spend my time making valuable contributions to the world using my new knowledge and positively impact the world. I do! It’s just that old way of working does not appeal to me. Trading my life for someone else’s goals and ideas when I may just happen to find them on a job board is not appealing to me.

Offers have been coming my way that are not traditional as well, which I am very thankful for. None have fully resonated with me though. It’s not like they aren’t totally suited to me, because they are, it’s just that I don’t feel passionate about them. They happen to be jobs that are in line with my interests and the way I operate in the world, but for some reason that voice inside of me isn’t saying “GO GO GO”! Instead what’s happening is that I spend a heap of time deliberating if it’s a good idea, and it usually is, and if the pay will be enough for me and for the most part it has been, but there’s something vital missing. In all of these offers I’m still pushing someone else’s agenda which still does positively affect the world, but I don’t feel energised by the thought of actually doing the work to do it.

Obviously I am curious about myself as I witness this space of transformation. When I truly think about what does appeal to me, it is the ability to be my best self, make a difference in the world, make and complete highly ambitious goals and live a high end lifestyle. This is what I want and I am researching and learning about how others have done it and are doing it to gain some insight and inspiration. What I want is to combine all of my awesome into one package and deliver it in a relatable way to others. What I want is to inspire change in others like I have been inspired over the years and help people live in their best version of themselves. I want this for others because I want this for myself. I want to be happy and generous and kind and appreciative, and I also want to inspire others to also find their key qualities.

I truly believe that I can change the world but I know it will take collaboration and trust. I choose to live a meaningful life where I feel great about what I do every day, where I look my best, and I present my very best version of me.

Of course as I’m coming to all of this, the outside world reflects something so interesting and shows up as a guidepost on my path. Where I live there is a duckpond, it’s lovely. There are brown ducks, black ducks, a couple of white ducks and I took down some toasted bread for them this evening. Well, as I stood there passing out toasted treats to the ducks, I noticed an eel! Not just one but two eels! I’ve visited the pond countless times, not once have I ever seen this! I watched them and saw that the ducks left them alone and the eels left the ducks alone, they just both lived together. Every once in a while a duck would mistake the eel for food and give it a nibble but the eel just went along on it’s way.

As soon as I got home I looked up what an eel totem represented and lo and behold it all about awakening the kundalini energy of the serpent and “Great Transformation”! That the eel watches and takes in all the information and at the opportune time moves forward with ease. I know I am going through a major change and to have this reflected in the outer world still amazes me. Perhaps I needed to be reminded of the divinity in nature and in the world so that I can further honour it and allow myself to fully be present and accept that I will get everything I want as soon as I want it enough to just be it.

 

1 bliss filled i

Perspective gained

integration time

universal eyes

of love

in love

all love

the spectrum illuminates

my worldly view

diving into a droplet

the leaf of a plant

a wave of the ocean

the heartbeat of a bird

or a child’s smile

even debating friends-

it’s all me.

I am all of this!

the balance remains

at the ened of the the day

as it was today

at daybreak

Integrating

Integrating

Integrating

1 bliss filled i