Somewhere Along the Way

Somewhere along the way I grew jaded. I mean that has to be the reason right? The reason I am questioning so much after spending so much of my time in this way of thinking. That I would devote so much time and energy into the thought and lifestyle of “following my bliss”. I curated the thoughts in my head, I used mantras, I cut out people from my life, and even would steer away from friends who had gotten sick because they must not have been aligned for something to go wrong, right?

I’ve always been an optimistic person and I’ve always been one to dive right in, and this stage of my life was no different. I had been living in Brazil and was totally lost, I knew I wasn’t where I needed to be and was searching for clarity. I was trying anything and everything and even fasted for about a month on just water with alternating days where I would drink some coconut water or some sugar cane juiced with lime. I taught myself to meditate and would create art for arts sake to see what was going on. This was all back in 2007-2008 and the internet was really just starting to kick off there weren’t a lot of resources like you can find now about all of these topics, so I just kinda figured it out as I went along. A sort of friend of mine said that he had been reading Joseph Campbell and in a short email exchanged mentioned the term “follow your bliss” and I grabbed ahold of it with all of my might.

I made posters with that wonderful phrase and hung them on my dingy apartment wall overlooking one of the busiest street intersections in Sao Paolo. I scribbled in my journals, and I meditated with it in mind, hoping to figure out what that actually meant and how I could use it to help my situation. One day at a friends ranch in the countryside, we ate some “Hawaiian babies” which were seeds from one of the plants in the yard. I had broken my fast by taking them and drinking watermelon blended up, a strange way of ending it, but I got the clarity I needed. I wasn’t a very good guest that weekend, I scribbled in my journal, I drew the fabulous magical plants around me and I came to realise that for me to follow my bliss meant that at any given time I needed to do what felt best to me, even if that meant being anti-social and completely doing my own thing, which I did. I had so many realisations that weekend while I was off my head and it certainly was an awakening of sorts.

Eventually after I was back in the US after my escape from Brazil, yes it was like an escape, but I’ll write more about that later, but after I was back in my home country I was even more lost than before. Familiar people, familiar places, familiar smells, but none of it felt fully like home. Yes I snuggled and cried and danced and swam and stomped through the snow in my beloved Yosemite, and did think about returning for another round, but I just couldn’t. I wasn’t the same, I was a different persona and I needed more than I knew how to get there. I continued to listen to the writing on the wall or take tips from people to heart, and one gave me a tip about a meditation centre nearby, one that had been there the entire time I lived in Yosemite but never knew about.

I spent time at this meditation centre and there’s more to this story too, but I’ll share more about that later. I will say that it was another one of those times where I met the right people at the right time, and forged friendships that would definitely support that stage of my life. I had learned about the power of manifesting along the way by writing down what I wanted and watching it unfold. I noticed this happen again and again and again. I also felt like it was contrived and I came to the point where I actually wanted to be surprised and let go of trying to be the master of my universe. I have still used that over the years though because I know the power of my words and the strength of my mind can cause tremendous change in my life and those around me. It sounds like a god complex kind of thing but it wasn’t, or maybe it was? Is this the heaven on earth scenario just a bit manufactured? Who knows. There are always questions.

So fast forward and I got into head on collision and I was fully into that mode of thought of Law of Attraction where what I think becomes, and was certain that I had created this crazy accident in some far-fetched way because I wasn’t on the path I needed to be on, so the Universe not so gently helped me correct course. Okay, I accepted that and it made sense. Maybe that’s the biggest part of all of this line of thinking, we always want everything to make sense, I always want to put everything into some neat little informational package so that all the pieces fit together, to tie up loose ends and ensure that it all flows so I can continue moving on to the next thing.

When my very complicated pregnancy came around, I did try to change my thoughts, I did try to manage my vibration but sure enough I couldn’t do it well enough, if looking through that lens, and had extended hospital stays, prescribed pain killers, and an emergency cesarean of my baby two months too soon, followed by an intense section of life of the emotional hell that is the NICU. I felt embarrassed that I wasn’t strong enough to handle the way it happened. I felt that I had failed in my own way of thinking and had surmised to this weaker state of mind which allowed all of the heartache and pain to happen. I didn’t want to share pictures of my child that would normally be joyous of his first days because to me he looked like an alien in a clear box with all kinds of tubes and wires hanging off of him, I had failed to create this birth for both of us, for all of us. Whoa it’s hard to confront this truth and I’m getting emotional typing it. I really felt like I had failed and let myself, my new son, my husband, and every other person I have every talked to about the power of thoughts, down. Like going through seeing your child like that and dealing with my own pain wasn’t enough, that feeling of failure was absolutely soul crushing. How could I have not been able to practice what I have preached and been able to do again and again in my own personal life before then? Oh boy it was a hard time.

I see how “thought leaders” in this industry of selling the thought that you have control over everything in your life attribute being poor with not being spiritual. I see them also attribute not being healthy or having an illness as not being spiritual, that you can just turn it around with your thoughts. I think it’s all a big pile of bullshit these days. I believe in optimism and I believe in setting goals and doing your best every moment and really finding the goodness in life, but everyone has the path they need to walk and to justify it one way or another is just making a huge pile of excuses and it may sell books or speaking gigs or classes, but I don’t subscribe to this thought any more and it feels like I am breaking up with it.

I do however still believe that my thoughts influence my life, absolutely. I absolutely believe that being optimistic can bring sunshine into the gloomiest of areas and help a person get out of situations to where they really do have more sun in the sky than rain, metaphorically speaking. I’m just dropping the judgemental part of it. We all get a starting point where we are, and sure enough we can do whatever we can with it, and that’s great, that is fine, that is enough, and things happen in life, it is our attitude that helps guide us through the process but that still doesn’t justify why there are kids who starve to death, or young people who get cancer or other atrocities like this, it’s not because they aren’t spiritual enough, it’s just the hand they have been dealt and that’s it.

I’m still holding onto the need for joy and laughter and fun and time off in my life. I am still holding onto the need for beauty and smiles and healthy living. I am still holding onto the fact that loving someone else and feeling that love back is one of the most precious gifts in human existence. I am still holding onto my way of being that likes to see the bright side. I am still holding onto my understanding that we aren’t really all created equally and that we all don’t have equal ways to get ahead or to progress and I have compassion for this. I am holding onto my belief that I still get to choose in every moment who I get to be and can be that person and allowing change to happen this way in my life now. I still believe that if you surround yourself with things/people/environment that make you feel inspired to be your best self, then its a hell of a lot easier to do so. I am still in total belief that I am here to make a positive impact upon the world and will continue to do so, even if with only my smile as I pass a stranger. I will continue to share love and be love because I can.

The Genre Must Change

If your genre always thinks its at the edge of destruction, it will never fully emerge into the next paradigm. Instead of holding onto the hippie movement, let go and embrace the next chapter. Take the good things with you, but don’t hold on to what was because it will never be that again. Let go of nostalgia, and do whatever you can to make this next paradigm the best version of itself.

If the mindset is always that “we are so close” then that’s all it will be, so close, but never actually gets there.

The mindset for actual change must be that it’s already happened. It must be of a thought solely of the new paradigm and how it operates. It’s about understanding the virtues of the new paradigm.

If the new paradigm is that technology is here to stay, then one must embrace it and use it wholeheartedly to avoid the heartbreak of the feeling of not wanting to be a part of something that is happening anyway. It would be a matter of embracing the “this is now” paradigm and making the most of it. of course, understanding the shadow side and still working with it as well.

The old is old, the new is here, let it be. Infuse the goodness of the past and work it into the future that is now. Holding on is a futile effort as it will always be filled with strife and disappointment because it is not what will survive in the future.

In order to emerge into the next realm of growth, of evolution, we have to announce that it is here, not that it’s coming. It is here. It is now. This is how the change can happen without holding on to what was because that is long over. That genre is over. It’s over. The next one is fuelled by it, but it is not the old one, it is its own new version.

In order to be the next version, you have to be The Next Version.

Announce that the new is here. This is it. Be in it. Breathe it in. Learn it’s ways. Thrive. Then Flourish and Lead.

Meditation, My beginnings

Meditation has been something I’ve done since 2008, so a good 8 years now. I started out with teaching myself how to meditate while living in Sao Paulo, Brazil. I would lay down, with ear plugs in, and focus on one word, and then just keep going back to it it. This was effective and was a great start.

Vipassana was introduced into my world in early 2009 when I ended up staying about 2 months at the Vipassana Centre in North Fork, California. I had returned from Brazil and was seriously needing to find my own centre, funny that North Fork just happens to be the exact centre of California too. All so very fitting. In Vipassana, specifically in a 10 day silent meditation course, you think of nothing. For the first 3 days you focus only on your breath, narrowing it down the little triangle under your nose. Then for the next 7, the whole practice is scanning the body from head to toe, toe to head, and spending time on the painful/hard/heavy places before moving on. Then the very last 24 hours, Metta gets introduced which is like the salve after doing this major work. Jetta is all about loving kindness. The best way I found for practicing Metta was to focus on myself being vibrant, healthy, in a place that I have been, or an imagined state of being where I am full of happiness. After I really feel that, then I would think about others in the same way, imagining them full of health, being so vibrant, and with the biggest smiles ever. I would think about Goenka the teacher, I would think of dear friends, I would think about family, and then people I have had challenges with in the same light, then I would think of people I have seen but have never actually spoken to, because loving kindness extends to everyone always. It’s a lovely practice. When doing it all together in a single “sit” you start for a few minutes on your breath, then move to scanning the body as the bulk of the practice, then at the end a few minutes of Metta. Any time the mind wanders, just bring it back, always bring it back. We would sit like this for hours on end for days at a day. Overall I have sat more than 50 days in silence like this, and have served on courses where I have meditated 6 or more hours a day while serving others. It was the ultimate reset and what I needed. I did the majority of this kind of meditation from 2009 until 2011 when I had moved to Australia.

I have kept the scanning part of Vipassana very much with me even if I haven’t sat in the centre, it just became a way of life, even though I certainly never sat the two hours a day they recommend after leaving. That was too much for me outside of the centre world.

Raising Endorphins

Raising Endorphins

like a fundraiser

to help the common good

to help all around

to help me too

by helping me I do help others

this is true.

raising endorphins

getting high on life


sharing that positivity

letting it vibrate out of me

uplifting all around

the goal is to uplift humanity

this is my goal

this is the goal of what I do and why I do it

to help others see what they already have

to help inspire change

raising endorphins

energizing myself

having a surplus of energy to share with others

this is all it is

doing my best

sharing my merits

sharing my resources

continuing to raise and share

raise and share

raise and share

New Era

Shifting perspectives



moprhing into the new me

voila a breakthrough

my mind is stronger than my eye

my eye is my mind


whatever that may mean

going beyond the ordinatry

nothing is as it seems

so many different ways to look

the value system of the objects shifts too

this is where the transcendence is

in shifting the view, the perception of things around

of the way i perceive the world

this is true

this is transcending what i have known into a new era of knowing.

it is indeed that a new era.

The Moment

changing my view

altering perception

taking the moment

letting go of what will be

and embracing its

original conception

living life or dreaming everyday

are all the same

some might say

now is all we have

the past was just a second ago

the future is already right here

so everything is truly

all within reach

keep whats dearest

whats true closest to you

to me… if that is time

then here it is

here i am

in this moment

every moment

living, dreaming, being

smiling at what goes on

observing my actions

looking into the reflections

all with love

an incredible amount of love

for if now is all there is

if it is all just right here

then i choose to be in love

inside and out, all around

its a grand way to be

if this is all we have


debilitating thoughts of perfectionism

of someone else’s point of view

internalized and accepted

oddly enough as our own

somehow thinking that others are better

always feeling a bit inadequate

for reasons that aren’t ours

searching for perfection

when its already here

everything is just as it should be

we are as we are meant

as perfect as the flowers and the trees

as the honey that’s collected

as the changing colors of fall leaves

everything is as it should be

time to let go

that view of perfectionism

is outdated, antiquated and detrimental

to a whole self… a whole being

a whole soul

how can one embrace oneself

if we’re constantly searching

looking up and down

backwards and forwards

while overlooking the obvious…

the source, the root…

the perfection is here, now

free from defects

we are made exactly right

exactly as we are supposed to be

i am

it is

we are


Back in the Valley

back in the valley
venturing down from the mountains
and away from the ocean
its all so close
yet it is still a valley, a bubble
the darkness reigns unintentionally
be sure to wear your Sunday best
pain on your mask
and join the congregation
its what you do
no harm, the don’t know any different
they all just need love too
so fit in enough…
then slowly but surely
help them see with love…
by just being who i am
who you are
who they are
who we are