Happy New Year 2009!

This year is about growth and prosperity.

A year of truth and discovery.

Where opportunity abounds where great things will be found.

I can say this with the utmost confidence

that we will know more about kindness and patience

as we learn about our own individual preference

and how to incorporate that into the balance.

 

A year of listening to the inner voice

of knowing the self and singing in rejoice

Of being grateful for where we are

while taking time to look up at the stars.

 

The light will shine bright in 2009

lessons will be learned to know that I am mine,

over tasty glasses of red wine

slowing down the time.

 

Happy New Year! Learn to be your very best You!

Take time to learn what you’ve gone through

And always remember what you get is up to you!

Tea Leaf Green – Innocence Lyrics

Thunders below Heavens
Heavens below the stars
Stars are attached by invisible thread
To the darkness that is Love

I’ve been reading this Chinese book
It tells me how far I should go
and that hope is a dream like a butterfly wing
and that nature is Heaven’s accord
Nature is Heaven’s accord

And I wish I was Innocent
Wish I could believe in it
Know what I want
Know what I can get
Wish I was innocent
Wish I was innocent
Wish I was innocent

If I loved a girl with long golden curls,
and I was a man without guile,
I would never intend the night we would spend
cuz the life of a man is a trial
The life of of a man is a trial

And I wish I was innocent
Wish I could believe in it
Know what I want
Know what I can get
I wish I was innocent
Wish I was innocent, wish I was innocent

Swingin’ from stars
Too near or too far
Watching them shine
Doin’ my time
Makin’ them mine
Then I leave ’em behind

Make ‘em mine then I leave ‘em behind

Thus it is said that
Your heart not your head should guide you on thru to the end
And if you should find a love that can bind
Taint it through innocence
Taint it through innocence

And I wish I was innocent
Wish I could believe in it
I know what I want, know what I can get

Wish I was innocent
Wish I could believe in it
Know what I want, know what I can get

I Wish I was innocent
Wish I was innocent
Wish I was innocent
Wish I was innocent

www.tealeafgreen.com

A Poem: Tidal Wave

Like a tidal wave of chaos, emotion and life hitting me all at once… for a moment I felt like my feet were in the sand, the sun shinning down, a nice breeze and all was going well. I then realized that there was a shadow overhead, something covering up the light, the sun… oh, wait, it is the mighty mighty water that I have learned to love and fear and it is coming my way, I can try to run, but I am so far in now that it is hard… I feel the wind whipping around, I try to run, I try to but it is so hard when you run against the wind in the sand, my feet get really hot, I don’t move so fast, that same heat shocks my body, makes my heart pound but this time it doesn’t help me to get out of the way… the water comes down in a force unlike anything I have really felt before, I am brought under the water, I can see the air but cannot breathe, I can see the light above, but cannot swim up to it, my body is being trashed around, that precious sand is slapping against my body during it all… I just want to get up and out of the water, I want to be on dry land again… my mind takes me to that place or at least how I remember the shore to be. Eventually the tide will return to the ocean, I know this will happen, I just need to keep this thought with me at all times… there will be relief and it will teach me a bit more about life… maybe to stay a little closer to shore… but in it all I must recall that this is where the tidal waves hit…

A Poem: Butterfly Art

My visions blurred with butterfly wings

the stars are all around me

I’m back to back with the moon

with the sun shining so I can see.

 

I dance between the yellow and the blue

I hide nothing and strive to be true.

I’m not always in the sun

but I’m also not trying to run.

 

There is a balance in the light

that expands and stretches into the night

where the butterfly finally takes flight

where everything is intense and right.

 

Inspired by Drea’s Art on 11.27.08

Talking Heads – Seen and Not Seen

He would see faces in movies, on t.v., in magazines, and in books….
He thought that some of these faces might be right for him….and
Through the years, by keeing an ideal facial structure fixed in his
Mind….or somewhere in the back of his mind….that he might, by
Force of will, cause his face to approach those of his ideal….the
Change would be very subtle….it might take ten years or so….
Gradually his face would change its shape….a more hooked nose…
Wider, thinner lips….beady eyes….a larger forehead.

He imagined that this was an ability he shared with most other
People….they had also molded their faced according to some
Ideal….maybe they imagined that their new face would better
Suit their personality….or maybe they imagined that their
Personality would be forced to change to fit the new appear-
Ance….this is why first impressions are often correct…
Although some people might have made mistakes….they may have
Arrived at an appearance that bears no relationship to them….
They may have picked an ideal appearance based on some childish
Whim, or momentary impulse….some may have gotten half-way
There, and then changed their minds.

He wonders if he too might have made a similar mistake.

A Poem: Time to Get Healthy

I’m well aware its time to get healthy. 

How can I serve myself when I feel so filthy?

I overthink, I don’t let go – my mind is a messy clutter. 

My visions blurred, it makes me feel lost and fluttered. 

I constantly replay the scenes from my past

then I skip to now to compare and contrast. 

 

It does me no good to live my life this way

I’m ready to be carefree an relearn how to play. 

So I drive by myself down the lonely highway

to pick up fruit and a big fragrant bouquet. 

The flowers make me smile and I gain some headway, 

my mood starts to lighten and the grey goes away. 

It’s simple pleasures like these that make me so gay –

an easy slow drive through the mountains on a Tuesday 

that remind me I know how to climb the big stairway. 

I’m really good at closing myself off,

but its because of this that I’ve finally read Chekhov. 

 

I have one foot on the step, my hand is gripping the rail. 

I get real distracted and want a pale ale. 

I shake that urge, I refocus and consciously exhale. 

I need all my energy or else I might bail

and I can’t do that nor can I fail. 

I know I have a long journey ahead, 

I’m resisting the temptation to give up and be led.

So I’m finally pulling myself together

striving everyday to be a little better.

 

It has to be easier than I’m making it

so I’m reframing the window so I can benefit.

I’ve been learning quite a bit and still have more to go

I know its up to me how long I’m gonna row.

I have to have faith that it will happen

as I’m climbing the stairs out of the canyon

making my own pace while slaying my dragons 

working my way up so I can sit in the wind and listen to the aspen.

A Poem: How Did I Get Here?

How did I get here?

she questions inside

how did I get here

how can I hide?

 

She found her place

in a lonely space

full of masks and clowns

while living downtown. 

 

Reality was a blur

everything was grey

never had she planned 

for such a day. 

 

The greys turned to black

laughs turned to cries

she often thought

of ways to die. 

 

She was all alone

and out of touch

thinking of it 

all too much. 

 

How did I get here? 

She questions inside

How did I get here?

How can I hide?

 

She was almost depleted

nearly extinct 

as she forced herself

she was on the brink. 

 

It wasn’t her

it never was

but she was there

just because.

The Truth About Cats and Dogs

I just watched a movie with new eyes that I have loved since the first time I watched it over ten years ago. The Truth About Cats and Dogs is a wonderfully clever and truthful film. Granted I usually do overthink and dive into ideas head first these days, leaving little room to just laugh, with today being no exception. I wish it weren’t so, I wish I didn’t always read into what I am experiencing, but I will keep doing this until I stop. 😉 

So the beautiful blond Uma Thurman plays a very sweet, misdirected, loveable, yet dumb girl while Jeanne Garafalo plays the opposite role as the nondescript brunette with brains, wit and intellect. There is a lot of truth, I hate to say, in this very cliche casting and line of thought really. Then, oddly enough, I am relating it a little bit further that the beautiful blond is like the best friend companion who is always happy to see you and makes you feel good because they feel good to be around you. I then take the nondescript brunette as being more like the cat who is more complicated and does her own thing, finds her own amusements and develops in a completely different way. 

I have thought a lot about this idea of how one’s outward beauty dictates their life experience. I especially realized how my outward appearance – my white skin, my tall stature, my long blond hair and my blue eyes drastically impacted my experience while living in Brazil, a country with such a mix of nationalities mainly of Latin and African descent. I know that my appearance helped to shape my personality. I know that my personality shaped how I have handled and continue to handle things in life. I know that my life would be very different if I didn’t look the way that I do. Just as if I wasn’t born in America, or in 1980, or in California, or a girl. It all makes up how I am in life. 

So, with that said, I know that I cannot pinpoint exactly why I am the way I am because, like everything it seems, there are so many facets that should be considered that make up who I am, where I am and why I do the things that I do. I feel awkward with what I am about to say as I fear the perception that I am arrogant, but because I am attractive I know that I have had an advantage in my life, particularly when it comes to social aspects. Attractive people are, as I can see it, easier to socialize with, easier to deal with and just easier in most cases all around. There are the assholes and the bitches of course that value attractiveness above intelligence thus letting it all go to their head and think that everyone should worship them, but the majority are not that way. 

So, there was a part in the movie that basically said that dogs are always happy to see you and don’t say… ah… yeah, my owner has left now it is time for me to write a novel, instead they wait until the next time the owner comes back. They go to those who will pet them and aren’t selective as cats can definitely be. They are easy to please and aren’t too picky about who loves them as long as someone loves them.

Sure dogs can be complex. Sure attractive people can be complex, in fact, they usually are, but in a different way than less attractive people, I think. Am I ridiculous to even make this comparison? Maybe. But as one who has seemingly moved from one relationship to the next with other attractive people, is it fair to say that I am like a dog in that sense? How about my cat like distance that is inevitable? What about that side of it… complex… always is I guess. I guess this is why it is good to think about such comparisons. How can I ever know about someone else’s complexity when I am just trying to figure out my own though… it certainly does make me think about being more selective on who I allow to pet me.

A Poem: My Father

I just spoke with my dad. 

He has such an intelligent mind

he knows of the love one can find

he is able to see things before rather than behind. 

He chooses to do his own thing

never being forced into a ring. 

He has a heart of gold

that will never be bought nor sold. 

He has a strong moral base

he takes life case by case. 

His charm will woo anyone

yet is big enough to roll up his sleeves to things done. 

He shines as bright as the noonday’s sun

and will never shy away from fun. 

He says he’s proud and has faith in me

to take the opportunities that I can see. 

He knows I’ll choose my own path

creating my own special habitat. 

He is able to see beyond those around

yet he stays in our hometown

out in the country is where he can always be found. 

He told me I’m not lucky, that it’s been determination

that has fueled my ambition. 

He said I’ve created everything good

by being the very best that I could. 

He says I’m the one who has created my success

by believing in my growth and doing my best. 

God I love my father. 

He is unlike any other. 

A great man indeed

and always there when I need.

I am grateful to be his daughter

and that he’s my friend and my father.