awareness

Love Still Shines Through Immigration Woes

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“Can you please sign this Stat Dec for immigration for us verifying our relationship.” It’s the strangest thing to have to go outside of my own relationship to have justification that it exists and is viable and continuing. It’s almost like with immigration that you are guilty until proven innocent and there isn’t anything I can do about it. They just assume that the relationship is not genuine and make you go through so many hoops, years, and money, to finally get the stamp of approval to stay. It’s a heartless process for something that is supposed to be about love, about partnership, about sharing cultures and values.

This process of applying for Permanent Residency has been heart wrenching for me. It doesn’t matter that I am married to an amazing man. It doesn’t matter that we have a child together, who was born here. It doesn’t matter that we have been in a relationship for over 5 years now. At this stage, I can still be asked to leave at any time, even though I do have a current Partner Visa. It sucks. It’s so hard to not have that base security. It’s so hard to always feel on edge about whether or not you might have to leave the life you have built.

Most recently I’ve had to ask friends, some for the second time, to bear witness to my relationship. Not only that but I need them to then  get it certified and prove that they are a citizen themselves or at least have PR. It’s a hassle, it’s all a hassle. The thing is that if it’s only me having to be the one going through this hellacious process, that’s one thing, but it’s not just me. It has to extend to family on both sides, it has to extend to people who know us both. It’s such an invasive process of asking for someone else’s okay about the relationship that normally wouldn’t be any of their business. Not only that but normal relationship rules don’t even apply to my husband and I. Since I was not born here, and I am in the process of immigrating, we have to go through so much more effort, and more authority based things than normal couples would even go through, like having a joint bank account, or both of our names being on the lease, or doing either of those two things literally the day that you decided to have an exclusive relationship. No one does that. Not normal couples. So to then be judged as a normal couple when our standards are already so much higher, is crazy, and redundant to me.

A positive in this process, is that I have gotten back some of the statutory declarations and they have been heart warming. Where friends have written how they can see the love between David and I and that we try to make everyone else’s lives happy. This makes me cry even writing it. So a strange twisted positive is, that I actually get to have feedback from friends about how I operate in the world, and how my husband and I as a family operate in the world. That isn’t something you’d normally get, and it’s endearing. It has shown me that I really do extend my love to those around me, that my husband and I really do show loving affection for one another and that we are a connected family unit. I always want to do my best to help improve the world and share love, and oddly, in this process, that has been confirmed.

Now, I’d just like to have my PR granted and move on to citizenship and be done with all of this. In the end we all want to be loved, and I know that loving myself and loving others, is the way that it circulates around. Even with having this heavy burden of loving someone foreign and wanting to have a family who gets to live and have all the same rights as everyone else, it still shines through, my love, our love still shines through.

Online Coaching

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It’s a mixture of feelings, of disgust, guilt, and feeling like I may have missed the boat. There are so many other life coaches, and business coaches, and health coaches, and parenting coaches, and every other kind of coach imaginable now online. I see them in my news feed every single day. I see their stories of how they were broke and look at them now all tanned in a holiday location living the mobile lifestyle. Otherwise I see the ones that are just starting out who are still in their office slash bedroom telling you how they can help you change your life. I don’t believe them all. I can’t.

I mean, how do you know who to trust afterall? I paid ten grand for a program that wasn’t actually ready to be taken, by a couple of coaches who had incredible marketing skills and a fast talking salesperson who boasted that she was great at NLP, which I now know is basically the ability to use words and ideas to convince you that you made the choice yourself. It’s all kinda bullshit. I took the course as it was being developed, and I got in on the “discount” early bird price because I was told it was going to double in price, even though they had just started out. Now when I look at their website, nothing has changed, and their social media presence pretty much stopped at the same time I had to stop to have my baby. Perhaps none of us were ready. However, if I am going to spend that much money, I expect that they know what they are doing, what they are talking about, and are able to actually help me along.

This industry of coaching has certainly tapped into the more ambitious self help people out there. Those of us who know we have more to offer but for one reason or another, continue “healing”. I cannot underestimate the power of spending time on yourself and learning what makes you tick. It is important, it does help you understand why you are a maniac when it comes to hearing other people eat, or why you have to have order in your life to feel productive. The thing is that once you are in that healing phase, it’s actually hard to climb out of it and actually use it. So much insecurity arises, so much doubt, so much wanting to be the one who is taking the coddled journey. It’s low risk if you are only helping yourself, and for someone like me who wants to help others and does help others every single day but not in that big grand internet coaching way that I see advertised to me every 8 posts on social media, it can get discouraging.

to be continued…

My Mind

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I love the way my mind works. It is mysterious, it has great moments of clarity and insight. My mind is easily able to connect disparate things, items, genres, ideas, and is able to find the similarities. My mind is highly impressionable as well, I can sit with things and they can greatly affect me. My mind is also one that absolutely takes what it wants and leaves the rest behind, integrating as I go along, as I absorb new information. My mind works best when I am immersed in something, something different, something stimulating, something worthwhile like solving problems, or creating a base connection between things.

My mind is wild, imaginative, and I have beautifully descriptive dreams that are very close to reality that sometimes it’s hard to know the difference. The mind doesn’t know the difference I guess, so I have to dissect it to understand, yet I certainly don’t do this all the time. It would be too much. Plus I have other responsibilities.

I am highly inspired by so much, beyond just nature and it’s perfection, but onto man made things, and ideas, and intangible things. It all has an affect on me and I carry all of what I have been around with me. It’s really beautiful that way. Multifaceted, able to debate for debate’s sake, able to get to the root of the problem, able to see from different sides, able to laugh at my own self.

I also have to remember that I am in control of my mind, not the other way around. It is a great power and with that does indeed come great responsibility and I do my best to use it with care. Although I could likely use it at a great capacity than what I currently am, but this is a stage I am in as a full time carer and I am a using my mind to be the best mother I can be.

Unattachment and Change

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The biggest barrier for real change is attachment. Having an attachment of the idea of what you think will happen, or the expectation of a future event is the downfall of progressive change. In order for real change to happen, the unknown must be embraced so that whatever actually does happen, based on goals and aspirations, that it is not shrugged off as not what you were looking for. The acceptance of ambiguity must be there so that the progress along the way isn’t underestimated. Just as a seed is growing underground, you don’t pull it up every week to see it’s progress, you just trust that it is indeed doing what it is designed to do. We are all meant, all designed to be born, grow, evolve, and then die. This is the process. It happens again and again.

Even when we think that we know what will happen in the future, there are so many variables, that it is necessary to release attachment of the outcome and embrace what actually does happen. By looking for the underlying theme, the underlying feeling, you can determine if what has unfolded is on the right path. Life is so full and so much happens every day, and every single thing really does matter. Even the simple option of what you want for breakfast matters because it sets up habits in your mind, it affects your body, it makes an impact. In ten years this may seem insignificant, but it isn’t because it is now a part of you. Everything that happens now is based on the past, and everything that will happen in the future is also based on what you do now in the present. Releasing attachment to what has happened before, and what may happen in the future is essential in order to minimise the drag that can happen when making change. The drag that stymies growth, the drag that may slow down progress to where a person gives up because they aren’t getting there fast enough because they are attached to a certain outcome and it has not manifested clearly enough for them to realise it.

So in order to utilise this idea to our advantage, it is best to accept that the future version of you is already here. The mind doesn’t know the difference. It’s best to accept that the future version of life is already here. The mind doesn’t know the difference. By understanding which virtues, which attributes you value, you can infuse them into now, in order to create this version. Staying unattached to the proposed outcome during this process is as essential as accepting that the change has already happened. It’s all habits, it’s all mind play, It’s all change, and it’s all happening right now. Right now.

The Genre Must Change

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If your genre always thinks its at the edge of destruction, it will never fully emerge into the next paradigm. Instead of holding onto the hippie movement, let go and embrace the next chapter. Take the good things with you, but don’t hold on to what was because it will never be that again. Let go of nostalgia, and do whatever you can to make this next paradigm the best version of itself.

If the mindset is always that “we are so close” then that’s all it will be, so close, but never actually gets there.

The mindset for actual change must be that it’s already happened. It must be of a thought solely of the new paradigm and how it operates. It’s about understanding the virtues of the new paradigm.

If the new paradigm is that technology is here to stay, then one must embrace it and use it wholeheartedly to avoid the heartbreak of the feeling of not wanting to be a part of something that is happening anyway. It would be a matter of embracing the “this is now” paradigm and making the most of it. of course, understanding the shadow side and still working with it as well.

The old is old, the new is here, let it be. Infuse the goodness of the past and work it into the future that is now. Holding on is a futile effort as it will always be filled with strife and disappointment because it is not what will survive in the future.

In order to emerge into the next realm of growth, of evolution, we have to announce that it is here, not that it’s coming. It is here. It is now. This is how the change can happen without holding on to what was because that is long over. That genre is over. It’s over. The next one is fuelled by it, but it is not the old one, it is its own new version.

In order to be the next version, you have to be The Next Version.

Announce that the new is here. This is it. Be in it. Breathe it in. Learn it’s ways. Thrive. Then Flourish and Lead.

Everything Matters

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The stance “Everything Matters” and “Nothing Matters” are actually a part of the same polarity. They are each the extreme end on the spectrum of what matters.

After sitting days on end in silent meditation I had come to the conclusion that nothing really mattered in my mind. However, even though in my mind I thought that, I still strove to do my very best in my interactions, I began an open and honest relationship with myself about my emotions, and started really taking better care of my body of what I consumed.

So if the spectrum of nothing matters and everything matters are on the same line, then I can in turn think about the fact that everything matters, as I do live with the underlying idea that indeed, everything that I do, think, say, feel, matters. For some reason though in my mind I defaulted to “nothing matters” even though my actions showed that “everything matters”.

Now that this thought has arisen in my reality again, I am choosing consciously to also align my mind with the thought that I have been practicing that Everything Matters. Everything I do matters. Everything I say matters. Everything I think matters. Everything I feel matters. Everything I am matters. Everything matters. This is how I change the world.

Merrily, Merrily, Merrily

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We are meant for so much more. When things don’t go smoothly and easily, it’s because they aren’t meant to. When things flow smoothly it’s because they are meant to. Absolutely you have to prepare for either stream, but even then, the preparation would be easy. Life is easy if you allow it to be. It doesn’t have to be a constant battle of rowing upstream. It can really be the “merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream” situation, if we allow it. I am so open to allowing that ease into my life. Yes, please. Thank you.

The Nostalgic Point of No Return

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Recently I’ve been having a realisation that I am in a relationship with my family and we as a whole have relationships with other people, family units, and places.

There comes a point in a relationship, when after you have left it, there is a time when you can return and are able to make amends, things can patch back together. However, after that time, say 2 years, if you go back, it’s mostly due to nostalgia of what was, of who the other person was, of who you were, and none of it is based in what is really happening now in your reality. When returning to a place that has already passed its point of nostalgic no return, at first you’ll be fooled by your self of all the great things, you’ll see it all through rose coloured glasses and things will feel almost better than ever before. However, in a week, the reality starts to creep in. You’ll start noticing all the things that made you decide to leave in the first place. You’ll notice that the show of good behaviour fades away and the truth of the situation, of the people, surface showing a reality that you don’t really want to be a part of anymore.

Two years, is a major amount of time when your growth game is strong. In two years, you can grow apart something fierce and still have the nostalgia to make you think that’s what you want, but in moments of clarity you realise that’s exactly what it is. The old place is the old place that entertained the old you. It’s where you grew in that stage of life. It’s a fine place to visit, but you don’t live in nostalgia as it stunts your growth.

In two years, from leaving the lovely regional area where I met my husband, we have lived in suburbs outside of Australia’s most populous city, we have had a child together, our whole lives have shifted and we are well and truly different people than we were when we first moved here. How can we ever really go back to what was, because we are not that anymore, that place is not the same either, we have all changed. AND this is all okay.

The better option is to take what you’ve learned and move into the new version of you, of your family, and align it with a location that fits your aspirations best, based on who you are now and who you are becoming. A place that supports your growth, your overall well being and your direction in life. Along with that, all of the right players will come in, at the right time, to help along this path, because it is the right path to take. It will be easy, so easy that we’ll look back at how hard the other path has been to get back to and realise that it was because that other path was never the path we were really meant to travel down together, as a family. It’s heartbreaking and liberating at the same time.

Life is meant to be easy. Life is meant to be joyous and fun. Life is meant to have more laughter than tears. Life is meant to be shared. Life flows along when you are in the path that you are supposed to be in. When aligned with the truth, all things fall into place, it’s that simple, it’s what happens. I have experienced this time and time again in my own personal life. The only time it gets hard is when I am out of sync.

By releasing attachment to the old relationship, the old path, the former town where growth occurred, it gives space for the new opportunities to arise, and they will.

It’s a blessing that things change. I also know it’s a blessing to feel that now I get to change with my family, as a unit. We together get to manifest our new lives together. We together get to build our lives how we want them, letting go of any past expectations, letting go of anyone else’s version of life. We get to forge ahead together and have the blessed life we deserve. <3

Entertainment Holds Emotional Space

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I love how entertainment in pretty much all it’s guises holds space for feeling emotions that aren’t always easy to hold, or for feelings that you want more of. I have been grieving a bit of my old life where I was completely a stay at home mum and the primary carer of my son. It’s been small steps but nonetheless I can feel the heaviness of it all. Along with that I heard some information about myself and my parents from when I was very small which just confirmed that my parents always had another agenda other than being parents, and it hurt me. The combination of all of this has created a very heavy heart. I have cried, I have been a bit distraught. I have sought out music to soothe, and movies to cry along with.

Most recently I have found that the movie Me Before You just makes me bawl, I mean full on sobbing, chin quivering kind of crying. It follows a storyline of a pretty happy go lucky guy who then becomes a paraplegic from the neck down who then gets a carer who wants to convince him not to end his life in six months which is his plan. It’s sad. I mean it’s a really sad story. A good guy who gets hit by a motorcycle while he’s walking around town and his life is changed forever. I know how things can change in an instant and I’m thankful consistently that in my head on collision, I came out relatively unscathed, with just a scar across my face to show of it physically. This poor guy is in pain and doesn’t accept that this is his new life, and I get that, I totally get that and there isn’t a way for him to get better, it’s irreversible. Then comes this lovely, quirky carer who brings another layer of emotion and in the end he still makes his decision. She is so sad that he would choose euthanasia, but I understand his part as well. He talks about how he will never be able to give her the life she deserves, and that he never wants her to ever have a regret that she chose a life caring for him like that. In the end he reminds her via a letter he wrote before, that when she is ever sad, to live well, and just live. Oh it’s so sad and it ends with a feeling of the importance of living life fully right now.

I feel like I have used this movie as a safe space for me to really experience the deep emotions that are surrounding my own life transitions right now. I can feel that I need to let it out, and I really appreciate that I have the option of using media to help me let this go.

From my own experience with grief, after my father passed away last year, I came to realise that all of my emotions are like their own little wells. That each well has a spring and maybe another little pool of water. At first it’s just the top of the spring that is experienced, but as the emotion goes deeper it’s like I come to one of the pools, but if I keep going, I notice that all of the memories where I have experienced that feeling, all seem to be held in that bottom well, that super deep space within myself. It’s almost by accessing one of those memories I can then use that to dive deeper into that feeling and explore more. It’s actually really fascinating.

So by having a safe guided experience, that is totally normal in society, like sitting in the dark watching something like a dream on the big screen while we feel everything, I am allowed to fully express my emotions there. I can scream if I feel scared, I can cover my eyes and my ears, I can laugh a hearty laugh with my head tiled back, I can cry and cry like a big baby, and it’s all so very okay.

Navigating the Waters

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In the last week, I have turned a corner, a major corner. I have started to allow someone else to look after my child in a maximum of 2 hour increments. This is a big deal. He’s now almost 22 months, and prior to now, I pretty much count on one hand the number of times someone else has looked after him besides my husband or myself.

I have so many feelings that are arising from this. Perhaps this is what primary carers of little people go through with this transition. Simultaneously wanting to have freedom and independence, but at the same time wanting to make sure that my little person is completely taken care of. The feeling of, YES FINALLY, I’m Doing Something For Myself, AND the feeling of guilt that someone else is looking after my most precious being, who is completely defenceless, completely incapable of articulating with words anything that goes on.

Exhale. I am doing that a lot, deep breathing. He is going to the day care option that is available at the gym I have joined. It’s all super new, totally customer oriented, and really top of the line. The classes are incredible, the machines are the newest available, the instructors are top notch, the child care is incredible. Even in the baby area, they have a huge play section that rivals the places you have to pay to go into for $12 for 2 hours where you have to buy an obligatory coffee as well. The carers are so lovely, so friendly, so very obviously kid people with big hearts and huge smiles.

All of this is good, I know it. I do. Me progressing forward by moving my body and getting back into shape, along with allowing the next stage of our lives to happen by me letting go and accepting help with my child. I know all of this, I know it’s truly all good. There is still a fountain of feelings coming up and I can’t ignore them. I even invited a fellow Mum from my mum and bub group to come over and watch a tear jerking movie that left us both sobbing, just so we could let the emotions out in a safe place.

The new chapter is beginning and I am grieving the last one. It’s normal, and it’s okay. I have loads of self compassion for myself and am being as gentle with me as I possibly can in this transition. I am also doing my best to be there for my son while he transitions, because it’s also a major shift for him as well. Such a big deal.