Back in the Valley

back in the valley
venturing down from the mountains
and away from the ocean
its all so close
yet it is still a valley, a bubble
the darkness reigns unintentionally
be sure to wear your Sunday best
pain on your mask
and join the congregation
its what you do
no harm, the don’t know any different
they all just need love too
so fit in enough…
then slowly but surely
help them see with love…
by just being who i am
who you are
who they are
who we are

Release

by releasing ourselves of who we were in the past and also releasing family members of who they were in the past, we are all allowed to move on in a peaceful manner… the more i hold them to who i think they used to be they do the same… i know i am different and i realize its a breath of fresh air to have a person, even moreso, a family member, come in with fresh eyes… always changing, constantly changing… them, us, we… all… allowing the moment to be… and it is a joyous one when i come with fresh eyes and a heart of love…

Journal Entry March 21st, 2009 Back at Home for Nana’s Funeral

Being back at home, immersed in memories, looking at old photos and memorabilia of what was, of what has been, of my life, of this reality, my trunk, the trunk or roots, my base, its all a bit surreal. 

There’s a storm coming in as well. The wind is blowing the leaves around, the newly sprouted extensions are being shaken as the branches sway with the breeze. Dark grey clouds here and there amidst an array of grey, blue and white billowing puffs. The atmosphere is a bit more humid and much colder in comparison to the strong sun this afternoon. What a contrast and amazingly appropriate. 

I’m very grateful to have had a sister by my side growing up – I wouldn’t be the same without my other half Alexis. I’m also extremely grateful to have had all of my family so close, I can’t imagine how it would’ve been otherwise. 

I am noticing many similarities between Nana and I as we go through her belongings. She was my first and most impressionable role model and mentor. I am incredibly blessed and thankful for this. I realize today how much this is true. I was meant to have her in such a lead role just as she was meant to teach me what she had learned in life. She was about 70 when Alexis and I moved out to her country home with her. We were young, kindergarten age. She was a great woman. She seemed to be quite connected with who she was. I am lucky to have been raised by such a person. She absolutely influenced me and it is now that I see so clearly how she did. We had a very special bond, different from the rest.  Perhaps it is because I am her first granddaughter, or perhaps it is because our birthdays are two days apart, both on the Pisces/Aires cusp… perhaps we just got along really well in general… 

I took in what she taught me and made it my own. She always wanted to do everything right, the proper way and she would communicate through writing with friends. She would give me paper and a pen to write with as a child which I did next to her. I found a letter that a friend had written back to her proving that she was also quite inspirational to others as well through her words and the way she expressed what she felt from the heart.

The letter was from Anne from 1985, right around the time when Alexis and I went to live with her: 

Anne thanked her for her kind words and support and quoted what Nana had written to her, confessing that she has read it every single day… Nana wrote “All of u have only one day at a time, to lie, we should be thankful, do what we can, and never give up!” That was my grandmother… 

She had all that she needed and was thankful everyday. She wrote in her bible time after time “Thank you Lord for Everything” “and today, and today” She showed it with her loving kindness to everyone in every way. She was selfless and always generous with everything that she had tangible or intangible. I didn’t remember this, but it must be where I get it… she would cut out and copy down poems that she would come across and file them in her most prized possession… her source of inspiration… her bible. They were all about self discover, about being good and kind. She even had a poem of mine from when I was about 13 which made me cry…

I come from a very big hearted family, who are generous and kind, loving and compassionate, who like to enjoy life and have fun in lighthearted easy ways, a family of great people who strive to do their best. They are all unique and individual and extremely loyal. They are my family and I am theirs as well… I haven’t felt this good to be back at home in a long time… never quite like this… it feels great… 

I am glad that Chris was kind enough to pick me up from the meditation center to bring me here to say farewell to my grandmother and be here for my family… I am so blessed to have such friends and family. Blessed.

Smile When You Think of Her

I was a pallbearer along with my sister and a few cousins… In a long white cadillac she took her last ride on a brisk and breezy Monday we bid her farewell not good bye… I read the following graveside… 

 

Although she’s not here, she’s not gone

her years of hardwork raising all of us

with love and patience as she taught us right from wrong

she lives inside of us and is in all that we do

so smile when you think of her, don’t be sad and blue.

Nana has moved on to a peaceful place

up in heaven where they’ve been saving her space

she left this world and has been welcomed by a loving warm embrace

so smile when you think of her, don’t be sad and blue

remember all the hugs and all of her smiles

keep them with you, they’ll take you through the long and windy miles

thank you Nana…

Memories of Nana

My grandmother, the one I lived with the majority of my youth, just passed away. I wrote something to be shared with family and friends at the funeral chapel… here it is: 

 

I thought it’d be appropriate if I wrote this down as at times I can be a bit emotional… 

My memories are infused with pleasant images and moments with Nana and I’d like to share a few….

like picking sun ripened tomatoes from her tomato patch

shelling peas and walnuts by hand for hours on end

making homemade fig newtons and molasses cookies in the kitchen 

sitting in suspense during the last half hour of Murder She Wrote

listening to her say her nightly prayers as she knelt down in her bedroom

smelling the perfume she wore with her best Sunday dress, broach and high heels

learning about painting happy little clouds and nature scenes from Bob Ross next to her

singing along while standing in her regular pew at church

walking, speed walking mind you, down the country block as she stressed that I needed to always maintain good posture with my shoulders back, chest and head up

cutting oranges and toasting Roman Meal bread along side her for breakfast

I distinctly recall when I was young, probably 8 or 9 years old, I was crying, worried about death, scared that she would die someday, that I would die someday. She assured me as I knelt by her chair with her loving hand on my shoulder that I needn’t be afraid, that God had a plan and suggested I seek the pastor for guidance. 

I am who I am today because of the experiences and influences of my family and am so fortunate to have lived with Nana for so many years. Even when I’ve been away, she’s always been with me and will continue to always be a part of me. I’ll always cherish those special moments and smile with my heart when I think of her. She was such a generous, kind, dedicated, firm, hardworking, loyal, compassionate and loving woman who has positively impacted our world. Thank you Nana.

Not to Worry

I said to him “Daddy…”

“I’m not worried about money…”

it will come – its a great resource

and I know I’ll be well off in life.

So if I just focus on what I like,

what I’m passionate about – which I am now,

well in our society

we compensate monetarily

and I will be compensated well

but my soul is not for sale.

I can’t be concerned with things

when I know the truth lies in the feelings.

I thanked him for giving me love as best he could

and told him that I’m trying to focus on the good.

He said I have such a solid head on my shoulders

like someone much wiser and certainly older.

I reminded him that I am just twenty-eight

I’ve got a long road ahead to anticipate

lots of good fortune and love will surely come my way,

as long as I’m good to myself every single day.

Finding the Place

Need to spend more time

in the sun

with breaths of fresh air

where there’s plenty of space

where noones in a race

except the kids playing on the lawn

or the deer over yonder with her fawn.

maybe not as far as voluntary simplicity

but certainly away from the big city

brief moments and stretches in passing there

but returning back where the focus is care

where love and life thrive with ease

where you feel a caress from the breeze

where life is slower and can be enjoyed

where love and energy are always employed

like waving as you pass along

where it feels so right and you sing a song

a place where everything is fresh

and you feel at your best

where that is common among the rest

downhome love and acceptance

with wider expansions and the will for the present

where being good in all things important

the feelings, not the things ride the current

of now and whats right here

I’m not there right now, but the time is near.

A Poem: My Father

I just spoke with my dad. 

He has such an intelligent mind

he knows of the love one can find

he is able to see things before rather than behind. 

He chooses to do his own thing

never being forced into a ring. 

He has a heart of gold

that will never be bought nor sold. 

He has a strong moral base

he takes life case by case. 

His charm will woo anyone

yet is big enough to roll up his sleeves to things done. 

He shines as bright as the noonday’s sun

and will never shy away from fun. 

He says he’s proud and has faith in me

to take the opportunities that I can see. 

He knows I’ll choose my own path

creating my own special habitat. 

He is able to see beyond those around

yet he stays in our hometown

out in the country is where he can always be found. 

He told me I’m not lucky, that it’s been determination

that has fueled my ambition. 

He said I’ve created everything good

by being the very best that I could. 

He says I’m the one who has created my success

by believing in my growth and doing my best. 

God I love my father. 

He is unlike any other. 

A great man indeed

and always there when I need.

I am grateful to be his daughter

and that he’s my friend and my father.